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Performance coach, detail-loving educator, big-thinking entrepreneur, podcaster, mama, passionate adventurer, and health optimization activist here to help people transform their lives, and reach their highest potential! All rolled into one.

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AGA-Founder Amanda on Happiness Later in Life for Longevity, Grandparent Alienation, Reconcilation, Longest-Running Harvard Study and more! 

the Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast

This episode touches on an important topic for happiness later in life, as shown by Harvard’s longest-running study (since 1938) which explains the quality of relationships and social connectedness in older years contributes greatly to longevity and happiness. After being cut-off from her beloved grandchildren, Amanda courageously used her own suffering to serve others and founded Alienated Grandparents Anonymous (AGA), which has exponentially grown into a worldwide organization serving 150 Support Groups in 50 US States and 22 countries around the world. AGA provides support, tools and advice to alleviate suffering and help on the path to reconciliation. She has since spread the message to MPs in the House of Parliament in London, received backing from a range of experts, and published an acclaimed book on the topic.

Amanda, The Founder of Non-profit Alienated Grandparents Anonymous (AGA), on Happiness Later in Life, Grandparent Alienation, Reconciliation, and Much More!

About the episode & our guest

"We must be the voice of our grandchildren". - Amanda, Alientated Grandparents Anonymous

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AMANDA AGA

Episode 07

Disclaimer: Please note, to avoid any unnecessary headaches, Longevity & Lifestyle LLC owns the copyright in and to all content in and transcripts of The Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast, with all rights reserved, as well as the right of publicity. You are welcome to share parts of the transcript (up to 500 words) in other media (such as press articles, blogs, social media accounts, etc.) for non-commercial use which must also include attribution to “The Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast” with a link back to the longevity-and-lifestyle.com/podcast URL. It is prohibited to use any portion of the podcast content, names or images for any commercial purposes in digital or non-digital outlets to promote you or another’s products or services.

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PODCAST EPISODE SHOW NOTES

  • Amanda introduces us to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest active study of tracking physical and emotional well-being. Amanda portrays the pain suffered by alienated grandparents by sharing some stirring testimonials. [02.17]
  • Amanda gives us a more clinical account of grandparent cutoff and alienation as willful intimidation and fear-based manipulation. By her estimate, about one hundred million grandparents and great-grandparents, across socio-economic, educational, and religious boundaries, suffer. Some find out about their grandchildren through social media. Others never find out about their grandchildren. [06.03]
  • The links between emotional distress and chronic illnesses are brought into sharp focus. Thankfully, Alienated Grandparents Anonymous [AGA] can help. Amanda helps us to recognize the signs of alienation which they outline in their brochure. She tells us how she came to build AGA as a support group and describes the night she and her board members realized the phenomenon they had uncovered. [12.40]
  • Numerous success stories prove the value that AGA is bringing to people’s lives, worldwide. Amanda’s influence has even been felt in The Palace of Westminster in London, where she got the opportunity to educate MPs on the issue - which may lead to a change in legislation. [19.30]
  • Amanda explains why she wrote her book I Thought I Was The Only One: Grandparent Alienation: A Global Epidemic. She stresses how not only grandparents but physicians, family law attorneys, clergy, teachers, etc. need to know more about elder alienation and abuse. Amanda relays glowing reviews from experts in the field and walks us through the topics covered by the book. [25.28]
  • Support is the number one most helpful thing for grandparents suffering this distress, and grandparents must educate themselves about coping strategies and tactics for reunification. Amanda reveals that the best approach is for the grandparent to focus on the relationship with their own children first. Amanda tells us a moving story about one grandfather connecting with his estranged grandson. What single act allowed them to reconnect? [30.54]
  • Amanda takes us through her hopes for the future, including a forthcoming meeting with the US Surgeon General. Their new website www.alienatedgrandparentsanonymous.com will be central to all work on this issue into the future. AGA’s incredible work shows no sign of stopping. [35.31] 

PEOPLE MENTIONED

TERMINOLOGY

“Being a targeted grandparent does bring excruciating emotional pain. They're being treated like criminals by their own sons and daughters who turn against them.”

“Our grandchildren, they're conflicted in their suffering and the loss of these unconditionally loving and supportive grandparents. Who is there to help them with this chaos in their lives?”

“Think about how many little children or teenagers have anger issues.”

“I'm not a writer, but this is something that hadn't been written. My years will be numbered, but grandparents will continue being cut off from their families.”

“Knowledge is power and grandparents must educate themselves.“

“The advice from someone who's not well-informed can do much more harm than good. “

“But when you stop reaching out to your adult child, they believe you do not love them anymore.”


MORE GREAT QUOTES 

Claudia von Boeselager: Amanda. Welcome to the Longevity & Lifestyle podcast today. It's a pleasure to have you here with us. Amanda, as the founder of the nonprofit Alienated Grandparents Anonymous, or AGA, I just wanted to say that what you have created is a beautiful example of turning one's personal challenges into something that can benefit and be in service of others.

Legal Disclaimer: Please note, to avoid any unnecessary headaches, Longevity & Lifestyle LLC owns the copyright in and to all content in and transcripts of The Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast, with all rights reserved, as well as the right of publicity. You are welcome to share parts of the transcript (up to 500 words) in other media (such as press articles, blogs, social media accounts, etc.) for non-commercial use which must also include attribution to “The Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast” with a link back to the longevity-and-lifestyle.com/podcast URL. It is prohibited to use any portion of the podcast content, names or images for any commercial purposes in digital or non-digital outlets to promote you or another’s products or services.

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

 A true heroic feat. Amanda, before we jump in, can you talk about the famous Harvard study, the longest-standing study known, actually, which started in 1938, on the importance of good relationships for happiness and health, particularly later in life.

Amanda: Yes, of course. This Harvard Study of Adult Development basically shows the quality of relationships and social connectedness, for our grandparent generation, is what has mattered most. And that loneliness kills. Dr. Waldinger compares this with the two most important goals of millennials now, which is to be rich and famous.

Today's world is very different from the time we grandparents grew up.

Claudia von Boeselager: Thank you for expanding on that. And for those listeners, perhaps unfamiliar, can you explain what exactly grandparent alienation is? How does it come to pass and what are some of the consequences and emotions, those subjected to this, suffer?

Amanda: Well, before I define what grandparent cutoff is to you, I'd like you to hear it in the words of grandparents who've been communicating with me from the past 10 years.

Claudia von Boeselager: Sure.

Amanda: “I feel totally devastated, violated, disappointed. I cry most of the time”. Even - it makes me cry! “Even though I try to take my mind to other places, it is not only the estrangement that I have to deal with but, also, I am constantly worried about my grandchildren's welfare. I don't even know where they are.”

Another: :It is killing this grandfather and they seem to care less. A positive communication from them would go a long way. A little understanding and empathy from anyone else would help immensely. The silence is deafening.”

Another: “I am in constant pain every day due to not seeing my grandkids. Don't know how much more I can take. My daughter has no clue of this pain. She doesn't even care. This is a horrible day-by-day. And we were so close.”
I’ll read two or three more to you.

Claudia von Boeselager: Sure. These are so touching. Thank you for sharing these.

Amanda: It's hard for me to read them. Excuse me.

Claudia von Boeselager: I understand. Take your time.

Amanda: “She can take you away from my sight, but she cannot take you away from my life.”

Another: “My son seems to have reconciled to the fact that it's too much trouble to stand up to his wife's demands. I know, in his heart, he wants us to be in their lives, but he has detached from us, his siblings, and his grandparents.”

Another: “In the end, for me, it is like I've run into a cold brick wall at the end of my life. There's not enough time left for me to take my excellent health for granted, but there is enough time left to love my grandchildren. Hoping to see my grandchildren before I die.”

Enough of that.

Claudia von Boeselager: So touching. Thank you for sharing those.
And, and I think it really brings home the emotion behind it. You know, words are just words, but the emotion really comes up. So thank you for sharing those very touching comments.

Amanda: Thank you. And now I will become more clinical. Alienation is willful intimidation. When children become adults and choose to disown themselves from their parents, it's one of the most painful things that families can go through.
It usually occurs without justification or actually knowing what crime they committed. No dialogue is permitted with them and questions remain unanswered.

Being a targeted grandparent does bring excruciating emotional pain. They're being treated like criminals by their own sons and daughters who turn against them.
To complicate these matters. They use the grandchildren as pawns to punish grandparents for perceived wrongs. The grandparents are now the victims of a double alienation. They've been cut off from their child and their grandchildren. We're not just talking about family issues. We're talking about power and control.
Grandparent cutoff is a fear-based phenomenon and fear must be used to make it effective. It is cult-like behavior, pathological lying, and mind control within the family. Grandparent alienation is neurolinguistic programming. It's like - a term you may have heard – gaslighting. It is, in a gradual subtle way, a form of manipulation because they wish to emotionally control their victim.

The best way I can explain that is to say - day after day, year after year, the alienating spouse speaks untruths about you, the grandparent, to your son, or to your daughter. And since you're not aware of this behavior, you can't defend yourself. Well, the experts, specifically Dr. Michael Bone, explains that the brain actually forms a pathway so that when, for example, your son hears her, say the words “your mother”, there's an automatic switch and your son actually thinks to himself "my mother is crazy". Over time, a gaslighter's manipulations can grow more potent making it increasingly difficult for your son or daughter to see the truth. But you must remember to always know that you own the truth. My guesstimate is that about a hundred million grandparents, including great-grandparents, globally suffer.

It affects all populations regardless of socioeconomic, educational, professional, or even religious boundaries. In practically every family, there are sad stories of one degree or another. I'm sure you can identify. The worst cases like these, though, are devastating and our families are suffering. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are erased from the lives of those who want to love them most.

The grandparents are unable to share the stories of their heritage. They miss the stories. only a grandparent can tell of what their families endured to remain a family unit throughout the generations. You know, it's indeed very sad to witness the current situation with the British family, where Megan and Harry have taken their son Archie and fled so far away to America.

Claudia von Boeselager: That's true. It's a very current and topical - sad situation. Yes. Potentially this might assist in giving some tools and advice. And I wanted to pick up on one point, you mentioned that it's across all countries and genders and socioeconomic backgrounds. I wonder in the East. So China and in Asia, typically, there is a very strong respect for elders.

Is this also seen in Asia this phenomenon or is it not a Western -

Amanda: It's not always that way now. Actually, in many Asian countries – say, for example, in China where families used to live on farms predominantly while the younger generation has picked up and moved to the city and living in tiny little apartments, only big enough for them and their spouse.

And then the baby comes along and now these Asian babies don't have that heritage. They don't have that family connect. Divorce is more prevalent in Asia now in all those countries. And so that affects the grandchildren too. Once one set of grandparents will have contact and maybe not so much the other one. You know, this is something that can happen all of a sudden, but it also can come apart over a period of time.

It actually comes, usually, from what was an existing, loving, grandparent-grandchild relationship. And then it's destroyed. And, you know, as each day passes without their grandchildren, grandparents say they feel that part of them dies. But, you know something, we also have to recognize those who have never been permitted to meet or hug or hold their grandchildren. Are never told of their brand child's birth.

They may find out through social media or acquaintances or, even worse, never know that they've become grandparents. Our grandchildren, they're conflicted in their suffering and the loss of these unconditionally loving and supportive grandparents. Who is there to help them with this chaos in their lives?
Think about how many little children or teenagers have anger issues.

Claudia von Boeselager: Yeah.

Amanda: And even in school. This alienation, according to our leading international experts in alienation, state that the alienation will have a negative impact on these children for the rest of their lives. And, actually, it is these alienating parents who are role modeling poor behavior, which is then often an intergenerational transmission. So it may happen to them.

Claudia von Boeselager: Thank you for highlighting these important points.
Amanda, I understand there are also not just mental, but also physical health implications for those suffering. Could you explain that?

Amanda: As we age, we encounter physically challenging and often debilitating problems yet nothing compares with the unmitigated sorrow that these grandparents and great-grandparents carry in their hearts.

Countless cases of stress-related illnesses may be the root cause of these illnesses, which may include migraine headaches, high blood pressure, gastrointestinal disorders, sleep disorders, obesity, TMJ, acute anxiety, PTSD, and depression. Health effects of abuse include traumatic injury and pain, as well as depression and stress, and anxiety. Elder abuse can lead to an increased risk of nursing home placement, use of emergency services, hospitalizations, and death.

And I just want to say that the leading international experts in alienation state that grandparent alienation is severe elder abuse and severe child abuse and society needs to take notice of this. Grandparents who are suffering the isolation from the grandchildren and their adult child wonder what kind of life they have been left. And our professional surveys show that suicidal ideation is experienced by the majority of the grandparents. And most of them are too ashamed or guilt-ridden to confess their circumstances even to their doctors or their clergy. Often, they're blaming themselves for having failed, while in their hearts they know that they are good, decent, loving, and giving parents - and they cannot accept what has befallen them.

It's a feeling of despair. Think about grandparents who are sharing pictures and telling stories of their grandchildren. And, so, these grandparents who have been cut off tend to shy away from social gatherings or even going to church for the holidays, because they don't want to see the interactions of the multi-generation families' happiness together or celebrating.

They exist in what we call complicated grief. It's a grief without closure, and it goes on 24/7.

Claudia von Boeselager: Wow. Thank you for bringing awareness to this. Would you say there are telltale signs that alienation might be approaching, so that listeners could look out for this if they're in a similar situation?

Amanda: Well, AGA has comprised a list of signs of alienation. Actually, I'll read a few to you from our brochure.

They avoid socializing with you. This is your children, your adult children. They avoid including you at holidays, birthdays, school functions, or social occasions. The grandchildren are not allowed to express their feelings toward their grandparent. And there's unusual behavior from adult children toward the grandparent.

Adult children may ignore your feelings or make you feel uncomfortable in their presence. Grandparents feel their sons or daughters have been brainwashed by the spouse. Grandparents feel the daughter-in-law or son-in-law speaks for their son or daughter. They try to control you with untruths. They withhold communication with the grandchildren, or visits or phone calls or emails or letters. They blame you for problems, real or made up. And the list goes on.

Claudia von Boeselager: Yeah, but that's very helpful, I think, for people to nip this in the bud, as they say, if they see something approaching to proactively, hopefully be able to solve it, but we can get to that later.


I'd love to move on to talk about your journey to where you are today. And perhaps you can tell people the background to why you started alienated grandparents anonymous and how does AGA help those suffering.

Amanda: For me, after years of trying, and still not knowing what I was perceived to be guilty of, I realized that I alone could not fix this.

So I created AGA, I figured if someone else could create this support system, then I could do it. It's that simple. I created AGA so that one day or one year in the future, my precious grandchildren who loved me so dearly would come to know that I never gave up on them. I, therefore, turned to helping others. I found that grandparents wanted answers.

So I learned how to create a support group. Then selectively reached out to the top experts in parental alienation syndrome (PAS) to join me. We gave it a name, grandparent alienation, and we identify and study the dynamics of our stories, that we hear. What took place for me was that I asked a newspaper reporter to write a story about grandparent alienation.

Surprisingly over 50 grandparents showed up at the first meeting. And that first year some of our meetings were attended by 150 grandparents.

Claudia von Boeselager: Wow.

Amanda: When I first tried to talk at the first meeting, I actually, literally, could only get one word out at a time. I'd have to take a sip of water because I was choking when I heard the story since sadness and the shock. At the end of the meeting, each member of my newly formed professional board of directors came up to me and said - Amanda, the only reason we came here tonight is because we thought no one would show up and we didn't want you to be alone.

And then they said - we now realize we have uncovered a phenomenon. So I applied for non-profit status and received it in three months, which is rather amazing because it was at a time in our country when they were not being given. Applicants were waiting over 18 months with no results. So I think our plight speaks for itself.

Claudia von Boeselager: What impact has AGA had in terms of people reached, support offered. And are there some success stories perhaps that you can share?
Amanda: Yes. There are success stories. We have been able to share so much. I must say I'm grateful for team AGA. These are the experts who have worked closely with me for the past 10 years, including the internationally known Dr. Bone, Dr. Caddy, Dr. Golly, Dr. Coleman, Dr. Worenklein. These are the masters of knowledge in parental alienation syndrome who provided me with the academic understanding of the complex dynamics. And they agreed to study grandparents with me. Also, we have experts in the field of law, James Karl and Charles Jamieson. As well as consultants in fields of mental health, there is medicine, religion, and law enforcement.

I would say I've communicated with over 10,000 grandparents, offering suggestions from the advice of these people. And, also, our information that we help them with comes from not just our experts, but from the thousands of personal stories I've been a part of, and from the two international conferences I conducted with our full staff there.

And that support group meetings, these grandparents have actually opened their hearts and shared their emotional pain and struggle with us just so that we could better comply with the needs you speak of, of so many millions who are suffering.
To date, we have 310 families, that I know of, with a reconciliation and the more we learn the faster these numbers started to grow. But, to be honest with you, if we'd had only one success story in the world, all of this effort would have been worth it because if you ever, sadly, experience this pain, and you can help one grandparent not to have to go through this, it's all worth it. But I also want to thank - the people who made this possible are the donors, the people who have given donations, generously, which has made us be able to have AGA. We wouldn't be able to do it without donations. There is no money coming to us other than from donations of these kind people.

Claudia von Boeselager: Yeah, 'cause you're a registered non-profit. So they're able 

Amanda: Yeah, would you like me to tell you stories? I could tell you quickly.

Claudia von Boeselager: Oh, that would be great. Thank you.

Amanda: "I just wanted to let you know that I took every bit of your excellent advice to heart on how to engage with my daughter. I really didn't know what direction to take with the current situation. The perspective and clarity you offered were a great gift to me. My cousin, who's visiting with me for the holiday. And I went to her house yesterday with beautiful flowers and balloons, and she opened the door. You were so right, Amanda, that having my cousin along with me - it was a small miracle. We were able to have a pretty good conversation and all went well. My heart is so much lighter on this lovely holiday because you took the time. I have your busy schedule to offer so much sound advice to me. I greatly appreciate it. You gave me my hope when I had very little. Thank you for all that you do. With heartfelt thanks and warmest regards.”

Claudia von Boeselager: Very touching.

Amanda: And there are many others. You don't want to hear all 310 of them!

Claudia von Boeselager: But thank you for sharing that. It makes it just so real, the happiness that it can bring and the hope that your work is doing.
Can you also share about your invitation to the Palace of Westminster? And for those who are not familiar with that, it's the equivalent of the Capitol Hill in Washington, DC.

Amanda: Yes, amazing. The pathway for me, my organization, has been emotional, but a very rewarding one, one that I could not have accomplished without the support and guidance and passion from those who have contributed to my work.
But I did not know our journey would take us across the globe and to parliament. The incidence of grandparent alienation is staggering. I had offered to fly to meet with our London support group, and the surrounding regions. I was accompanied by Dr. Carol Golly, a founding member of our board of directors, who completed the groundbreaking doctoral dissertation in 2019 titled "Grandparents Who Are Cut Off From Their Grandchildren: An Exploratory Study of Intergenerational Conflicts".
Her study takes a look at the degree of cutoff and also of depression, complicated grief, suicidal thoughts, and physical health. The London coordinator for AGA, Lorraine, did her due diligence and was able to produce this major event, well attended by grandparents at the Palace of Westminster. Our panel included Dame Esther Louise Rantzen, some barristers who focused on hopeful legislation for the UK. The MPs showed enthusiastic support for our plight and offered many suggestions to me. It was an amazing experience. Thank you for asking.

Claudia von Boeselager: No, you're - you're welcome. And how incredible. And for those listeners unfamiliar, an MP is a minister of parliament from the government here.

Amanda, I'd love to touch on a book that you wrote titled: "I Thought I Was The Only One: Grandparent Alienation: A Global Epidemic" - which some call the bible of grandparent alienation, and it's really an all-encompassing book. And can you maybe talk listeners through your book and the important areas that it covers to help people suffering.

Amanda: Yes. I have been sitting in the privileged position of having gathered so much vital information - at that time for eight years - and spending an average of eight hours or more a day talking with and e-mailing distraught grandparents and great-grandparents. So I decided to place everything I had learned in a book. I'm not a writer, but this is something that hadn't been written. My years will be numbered, but grandparents will continue being cut off from their families.
So I spent two and a half years at this task. Grandparents needed to know what I knew. Plus mental health providers and physicians and family law attorneys, the clergy, the school, et cetera, they need to know too. So this will help them. And the reason for that - I say that - is because grandparents alienation was never taught in the universities.

So we educate them. We have held trainings and given continuing education units to family law attorneys. And mental health providers. Before I tell you what's in the book, I would just like to quote one or two of these experts on why I really feel it is so important for grandparents to read my book. I would like, if I may, to quote Dr. Glen Caddy, Australian-American. He says: "It's the first-ever in-depth look at grandparent alienation. It's a treasure trove of information and hope for those facing the tragedy of alienation from their grandchildren". And the Reverend Dr. John Killinger, the author of "From Poppy With Love: Letters from a Grandfather to the Grandchildren He Isn't Allowed to See", and seventy other books. He kindly said that: "If you are experiencing alienation from your children and grandchildren, this is the book for you. Amanda is the world's leading expert on grandparent alienation. And she has distilled into this book her years of experience and understanding as the" - well, he says – "tireless founder and indispensable leader of AGA, the world's largest organization of alienated grandparents desperate to see and be with their own grandchildren. It is the indispensable Bible for hurt, puzzled and destroyed grandparents". And I'll read one more quick one. Dr. Joshua Coleman, the author of “When Parents Hurt”: “Amanda is a leader and a unique voice in the movement to bring help, healing and awareness for those dealing with the trauma of being an alienated grandparent. In her book, she brings her years of experience, reading, and advocacy to help the thousands of grandparents suffering with the profound pain of being cut off from contact with their grandchildren. She has probably talked to and reached more alienated grandparents than anyone I know and it shows in her new book. I highly recommend it.”

Alright, so, my book, just to finish this up - all of your questions that you've always wanted answers. If you're going through this or think you may be going through it - I'll just say them in a list here. These are the topics I cover: Explaining the phenomenon of grandparent alienation, the role and feelings of alienated grandparents, the feelings of grandchildren, schools, the complex dynamics of grandparent alienation, PAS - and then other chapters include: Raging, fear, jealousy, siblings, support groups, divorce and remarriage, reasons why a cutoff occurs, enablers, the gatekeepers, the other grandparents, holidays and special occasions, weddings and births, wealth and money, social media, health and stress, this is abuse, coping, religion, suggestions, strategies for a reconnect, the memory box, amends, reconciliation, and then finally, read these two chapters before you make a decision to go through the court system - my final two chapters are legal issues, and grandparent rights. Thank you.

Claudia von Boeselager: Thank you for sharing that. And so fantastic you spent those two and a half years putting this together and providing such a roadmap, I guess, details for people suffering through this to reference.
For people listening who are either impacted by the situation, or know a friend or relative who is, what would you say is the process to start the path to reconciliation, and what are some key strategies and tools people can use to support reconciliation?

Does this also apply not only to alienated grandparents, but also to perhaps relatives or neighbors suffering?

Amanda: Yes, of course. Well, first of all, with support, trauma is minimized. So support is the number one most helpful thing, studies show. When there has been a cutoff, it's the most important thing, support, for complicated grief. And the best form of help is to have a peer-led support group, which AGA has registered 115th internationally.

Knowledge is power and grandparents must educate themselves. Understanding this dynamic helps us cope better, and it helps us to form strategies to make a plan for a hope of reunification. The advice from someone who's not well-informed can do much more harm than good. That's why we do - we have held the trainings for mental health providers. I know how much you love and miss your grandchildren, but we have discovered that you must focus on your adult child first. Work toward rebuilding a relationship with your own child.

And I explain in detail how to do this in my book, but basically you just want to send them some kinds of message on a periodic basis. Simply say: "I love you. I will always be there for you" - and then tell them something positive about yourself. You need to get back into their present day mind, since the alienating spouse has rewritten your history with your adult child, the child with whom you used to have a really close relationship with. And continue these periodic messages without any expectations, do it because it's the right thing to do.

Then at a more vulnerable time in their lives, they'll know that they can come back to you without feeling more guilt than they already do. But when you stop reaching out to your adult child, they believe you do not love them anymore. So it's critical to do this. And also it's important to acknowledge their special events and holidays and birthdays.

If you don't have any means to contact them, then place every attempt you wanted to make or try to make - and didn't know if they received it - place your thoughts into a memory box. And there was a grandfather, actually, in my state and he had not seen his grandson for 13 years. And one day he got a knock at the door. And of course, you know I'm going to tell you it was his grandson - now 17 years old.

Claudia von Boeselager: Wow.

Amanda: First thing he said to his grandfather was: "Why didn't you try to find me? Why didn't you come see me? Why?" He was angry. Not saying anything, the grandfather told me that he went into the bedroom, and he took out his memory box and he handed it to a 17-year-old boy - who actually sat down and looked through everything for quite a while.

And then he stood up. And he put his arms around his grandfather because he knew how – then he knew, he had the proof, how hard his grandfather had tried to connect with him.

Claudia von Boeselager: Yeah.

Amanda: Okay.

Claudia von Boeselager: That's so - Such a wonderful tool, because of course, you know, there are so many cases, I'm sure where the contact has just been completely lost or cut off and there's no way to contact them. And to keep that memory box or a diary of the moments that the grandparent was thinking of the grandchild for, hopefully when they reconnect again - to share that and those different moments along the journey is just really incredible. So that's a really beautiful idea with the memory box. Thank you for sharing that tool and strategy as well for giving hope also, and also for the grandchildren.

Where do you see AGA growing over the next years? You're already in so many countries around the world. What impacts would you like to see AGA making to improve the lives of those suffering, and how can we help to end this epidemic for all of us listeners?

Amanda: I would like to do what we're doing right now. Thank you so much. I want to bring awareness to this human tragedy. And that's not my quote. This is the quote of our experts. They call it human tragedy. Where grandparents and great-grandparents are truly the victims. I'd like to bring awareness to the people who can help these grandchildren- grandparent relationships. This would include their pediatricians should know about it so they can ask about it. It should include doctors who treat our older population. The clergy, who might gain a new insight into what people are hiding, because they've been so ashamed. Now actually it's time to place the blame on the other side. Make amends, grandparents, make amends for what you may have done wrong. But take a stand as a person who did the best they could at the time they were raising their own children.
I'm actually hopeful right now, anticipating a meeting sometime this year with the US Surgeon General, who has written a book recently titled "Together". His dream is to declare loneliness a national crisis in the United States. My objective, to meet with him, would be for him to include a focus on the loneliness of grandparents who have been disconnected from their adult children and grandchildren. And this has been heightened of course, in the pandemic.

Claudia von Boeselager: Yes.

Amanda: I'd also like to point out that the others thing that we can do, which is a natural pathway that leads to legislation. I never intended to be a part of that, but it just happens. I've been a stakeholder myself for grandparents' rights visitation in my state, having presented several times in our state house.

And I described the process of how to do this and what took place for me. The laws we have passed are not perfect, but they certainly are a foot in the door. AGA grandparents have also led legislative attempts in some of our states with some success. Ontario AGA has had some success as well. The United Kingdom - Baroness Meyer has championed efforts trying to amend the Domestic Abuse Bill. For more information regarding your national issue, you may contact our AGA London coordinator, and I will give you her email, which is Henden - H E N D O N – hendongrandparents@gmail.com.

Claudia von Boeselager: That's helpful. Thank you so much. And I think for listeners, we might have listeners around the world listening to this as well. So perhaps you can also provide your website link because it's available to people in all jurisdictions. Which would be the best website for people to find out more information and resources that you have available.

Amanda: Our new website will be effective April 1st and everyone who contacts us through the website, I personally will respond with emails and documents for you to help you. And offer you our - it was a monthly newsletter, now it's a quarterly newsletter - to bring you up to date on everything we offer and what you should know, including updated legislation - because we have to give the judges tools that can help, we have to do that - so we include the legislation as well as the psychological issues. The website is going to be April 1st, our new one, alienatedgrandparentsanonymous.com.

Claudia von Boeselager: So all one word www dot alienatedgrandparents - with an s at the end?

Amanda: Yes.

Claudia von Boeselager: Anonymous.com [www.alienatedgrandparentsanaonymous.com]. Okay, great. Thank you for sharing that.

Are there other tools and resources available that you could recommend for people who would want to learn more for repairing relationships, or any other particular books or resources that they should start?
Amanda: When they go to the website and they see our email address, when you email me, I'd be happy to send people our bibliography, the list. I'd be happy to do that.

Claudia von Boeselager: That would be great.

Amanda: Yes.

Claudia von Boeselager: Where can people, and of course, I'll link to all these things in the show notes for everyone, but where can people learn more about AGA and what you're doing?

We've discussed the website, but are you also on social media?

Amanda: Yes. The information that I send to people when they contact us, will include all of that. We have a 24/7 international support line that grandparents can communicate with one another. And it will also list where our local support groups are around the world with an email address for most of them where they can contact me and I can lead them to one.

That's my way of keeping in touch with everyone en mass to let them know what's going on - is our quarterly newsletter.

Claudia von Boeselager: Sure.

Amanda: And type our website.

Claudia von Boeselager: Okay, perfect.

Before we close, I want to mention a great essay written by Tim Urban and I'll link it in the show notes. It's entitled The Tail End, and I find it really touching and such an important realization.

This beautiful essay is a great reminder and it puts into perspective that for most of us listening as adults, our days with our parents, and indeed the days for grandparents with their children and grandchildren are limited. Tim Urban's takeaway from this and I quote: "Quality time matters. If you're in your last 10% of time with someone you love, keep that fact in the front of your mind when you're with them and treat that time as what it actually is: precious."

So for all those listening, who might have skipped a few phone calls with their parents, their grandparents, their children, their grandchildren, potentially close neighbors, aunts and uncles who might be alone. I hope that this conversation with Amanda here today might be a memory to keep in touch and to reach out and to remember that life is short, and quality time matters.

To close. Amanda, do you have a final ask or recommendation or any parting thoughts or message for my audience?

Amanda: Yes. I know that if others have treated you this way, you would have walked away. But it's because we have loved our sons and daughters throughout their lives, and because we adore our grandchildren, we don't walk away from this.
Perseverance can bring success. It's okay to take a break, though, because it's a stressful situation. I ask you this question. If you stop trying, will you stop yearning for your grandchildren who are waiting to be with you, too? So please know that your adult child does love you. There is a connection of the heart.

Every child wants a grandma and grandpa. And remember: you own the truth. Thank you.

Claudia von Boeselager: Thank you so much, Amanda, for coming on today and for, as I stated at the beginning, for turning your personal challenge into this incredible non-profit - Alienated Grandparents Anonymous - that is impacting so many lives around the world.

So, thank you for your amazing work and making this planet a better place.
Amanda: Thank you.




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