The Science Behind Love, Intimacy, Longevity, and the Impact of Hormones and Genetics on Relationships with John Gray

The Longevity & Lifestyle podcast

The Longevity & Lifestyle podcast

The Longevity & Lifestyle podcast

Episode 171

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Performance coach, detail-loving educator, big-thinking entrepreneur, podcaster, mama, passionate adventurer, and health optimization activist here to help people transform their lives, and reach their highest potential! All rolled into one.

"Marriage takes a man and a woman making love, which is the only time our estrogen and testosterone levels go to their highest. Unfortunately, people are having less sex today, they're having less marriage, and we see an imbalance of hormones." - John Gray

Sexual health and emotional connection are pivotal aspects often neglected in discussions about longevity and lifestyle, yet they hold significant weight in our overall well-being!

In today's episode, we dive into the intricate connections between hormones, relationships, and emotional intimacy with the renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gray. Best known for his transformative book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," Dr. Gray shares his profound insights into how hormonal balance and effective communication can elevate the quality of our intimate relationships.

Join us as Dr. Gray unfolds the complexities of sexual stimulation and emotional bonding, emphasizing the importance of shifting from clitoral stimulation to gentle penetration for deeper emotional connections. We explore the roles of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone in women's moods and behaviors, and how balancing "we time," "you time," and "me time" can significantly impact a woman's emotional and physical health.

The conversation delves into the profound effects of genetics, hormonal regulation, and lifestyle on both men and women's longevity. Dr. Gray highlights how maintaining high testosterone levels in men and high estrogen levels in women can create a magnetic polarity essential for fulfilling relationships.

Are you ready to enrich your understanding of emotional intimacy and hormonal balance and transform your relationships? Tune in and discover practical tips and deeper connections with Dr. John Gray.




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Show Notes 

07:40 Balancing me, you, we time for women.
12:53 High testosterone and estrogen lead to genius.
18:53 Frequent activity affects testosterone, levels decrease with age.
21:09 Stress in women, men's ability to relax.
31:18 Lithium is good for balancing brain chemicals.
32:32 Lithium balances hormones, restores genome, reduces stress.
39:59 Oxytocin and estrogen boost sexual desire. Couples can nurture non-goal-oriented foreplay.
45:32 Stimulating clitoris connects to body healing.
52:59 Dependence on vices detracts from productivity.
56:42 Motivating men, hormones, intimacy, and monogamy hormone.
59:59 Verbalize insecurities, get reassurance, amplify love.

People mentioned


"We are designed to thrive by selfless giving. If I want to have a happy woman and be happy when I come home, then this is what I have to do." - John Gray

"People who are married live longer, fact. People who are married have more sex, fact. The benefits of marriage today are misunderstood." - John Gray

"When women are more on their independent side, they feel overwhelmed. Every time you're feeling overwhelmed, you should be saying, okay, I need to do something to support my female hormones." - John Gray

Legal Disclaimer: Please note, to avoid any unnecessary headaches, Longevity & Lifestyle LLC owns the copyright in and to all content in and transcripts of The Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast, with all rights reserved, as well as the right of publicity. You are welcome to share parts of the transcript (up to 500 words) in other media (such as press articles, blogs, social media accounts, etc.) for non-commercial use which must also include attribution to “The Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast” with a link back to the URL. It is prohibited to use any portion of the podcast content, names or images for any commercial purposes in digital or non-digital outlets to promote you or another’s products or services.


Claudia von Boeselager: Welcome to another episode of the Longevity and Lifestyle Podcast. I'm your host, Claudia von Boeselager. I'm here to uncover the groundbreaking strategies, tools, and practices from the world's pioneering experts to help you live your best and reach your fullest potential. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast to always catch the latest episodes.

Legal Disclaimer: Please note, to avoid any unnecessary headaches, Longevity & Lifestyle LLC owns the copyright in and to all content in and transcripts of The Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast, with all rights reserved, as well as the right of publicity. You are welcome to share parts of the transcript (up to 500 words) in other media (such as press articles, blogs, social media accounts, etc.) for non-commercial use which must also include attribution to “The Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast” with a link back to the URL. It is prohibited to use any portion of the podcast content, names or images for any commercial purposes in digital or non-digital outlets to promote you or another’s products or services.


Claudia von Boeselager [00:00:01]:
Welcome to another episode of the Longevity and Lifestyle podcast. I'm your host, Claudia von Boeselager, here to bring you the latest insights and learnings to improve your health, your life, and happiness for longer. Before we dive in, I just want to take a moment to thank you so much with my deepest gratitude for being part of this community and wanting to step into the fullest version of yourself. If you haven't already, make sure to follow on Instagram on lifestyle, and feel free to leave a comment or message. Our guest today is the legendary John Gray, an internationally acclaimed author and relationship expert whose groundbreaking book, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, has forever changed the way we view relationships. John is an author of over 20 books, many of which are New York Times bestsellers. And he is a repeat guest on the Longevity and lifestyle podcast. And it continues to be one of the most popular episodes that we have recorded.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:00:56]:
So please enjoy as we dive into the next conversation. So welcome back, John, to the longevity and lifestyle podcast for round three. It's such an honor and pleasure to have you back on.

Dr John Gray [00:01:08]:
Thank you. I'm happy to be with you.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:01:10]:
So we were just discussing, and I think this is so interesting because last time we spoke, you were discussing looking at genes and relationships and hormones, and you were just mentioning something, perhaps from our audience, you could pick it up from where we were just discussing about the impact of genetics and relationships and hormones.

Dr John Gray [00:01:29]:
Well, let's build the context. You already have the context of my previous talks, but for longevity, it's very important, and I think everybody knows this. They just. There's different ways to achieve it. I have my own way, I suggest. But for women, when their hormones are out of balance and as they get older naturally, they will produce less estrogen because they're done with their eggs. Now, it depends on the adrenal glands. So adrenal health and the adrenal gland, if it's exhausted, that's why women go through menopausal symptoms.

Dr John Gray [00:02:00]:
But as far as even longevity, we want to have healthy hormones all the way through our life. And when they're out of balance, you can know if you're a woman, you feel overwhelmed. Every time you're feeling overwhelmed, you should be saying, okay, I need to do something to support my female hormones. Because in my research, what I found is that when women are more on their independent side, I have to do something. It's up to me to do it. That's a part of life. But when it's too much a part of life for women, then what happens? Is they feel overwhelmed. Now, why don't men feel as overwhelmed? Because we have a break system.

Dr John Gray [00:02:37]:
There's a place which says, don't do something unless you have to do it. And what a wise thought. Well, women are also designed to do everything. They're designed to do everything. They're gifted with a brain that can work both sides more simultaneously than a man. They also have more fat cells, which produce 20 times more energy. If she's feeling hormonally imbalanced. But if a woman's adrenal gland is being stimulated too much, now she's making stress hormones.

Dr John Gray [00:03:11]:
Always when a woman's making stress hormones, she's producing too many of her male hormones, the testosterone and not enough estrogen on the upward part of her cycle towards ovulation. And after ovulation, she still needs to be making estrogen, but now she has to make more progesterone. So this is why women's moods are complex, because your hormones affect your moods. And so many times where women are depressed and anxious, often it's within the five day window before their period, which we call PM's. It's very real for many, many women. And what they're missing at that time is not enough progesterone. And progesterone is not the kind of hormone you'll get from being in a relationship with a man. You get primarily estrogen from being in a relationship with a man, being dependent in your life for certain needs and support from a man.

Dr John Gray [00:04:05]:
But as you get closer after you ovulate, then you still need to have that estrogen. Estrogen is produced when you're depending on people for significance, and particularly if you're depending on a man, it even goes up even more. That's why we have this thing called marriage, which is our man and woman. It takes a man and a woman making love, which is the only time when our estrogen and testosterone levels go to their highest is when you're having heterosexual sex, which is, that's why you can make a baby. You know, you actually bring life into the universe. And unfortunately, people are having less sex to today. They're having less marriage. And all of this is, we're just going downhill.

Dr John Gray [00:04:45]:
And what we see along with that is imbalance of hormones. The interesting thing, many, many women feel like, I just don't feel like I want to be married. And I can tell you that when you don't want to be married or I don't want to have children, not that everybody's supposed to be married, not that everybody's supposed to have children, just most of us should. Otherwise civilization will die. So there's a biological wisdom in our bodies that says when women's hormones, at a certain age of maturity, when their estrogen levels are high enough, she'll feel, I want to have a child. And it's very important to me. If she doesn't have those hormones, she's not going to feel, I want to create a baby. You see, the hormones actually trigger our motivations, our desires.

Dr John Gray [00:05:30]:
You know, if a man's testosterone levels are low, he wants to be an alcoholic. There's just no question about it. He wants to be a playboy. He wants to have fun, he wants to, he can't maintain a commitment to a woman. And this is all simply because the testosterone in a man dramatically affects his attitude and his motivations and his dignity. You know, I would say, my wife says I'm very reliable. I just say that word because it comes up all the time. My wife will say, john is so reliable.

Dr John Gray [00:06:03]:
Now, what does she mean by that? I mean she can trust me, she can depend on me and safe. You as a woman, you hit right onto reliable. Man is safe and it's consistent. And there's something about that's masculinity. And when women are interacting with that, then it allows women to be on their male side but also on their female side. It's like women don't have the breaks that men have. When there's so many things that have to get done. A man simply says, well, I don't have to do that because there's nothing I can do about it.

Dr John Gray [00:06:40]:
I don't have to do that because if I did that, I would become exhausted and tired and I couldn't do the important stuff. Men have a lot of mechanisms to turn off that feeling of I have to do something. Whereas when women go into that side of I have to do, if there's not balance by I don't have to do, see, that's the feminine side. Other people do. For me, you're the queen. You have people waiting on you. You don't have to do it all. And then for progesterone, interesting.

Dr John Gray [00:07:09]:
It's the balance of I have support is more of your estrogen, and the progesterone is more the side of I get to, I'm free to. It's more social bonding. If you, if you're more extroverted, it's social bonding. And if you're more introverted, it's social bond, it's bonding with yourself, like baths, reading books, me time. You know, there's that, that whole dance, you said me time. Are you familiar with my daughter's course on me time?

Claudia von Boeselager [00:07:38]:
Oh, I haven't. I haven't seen it yet.

Dr John Gray [00:07:40]:
I haven't. There's a whole course that she did on me time, but she talks about me time, you time, and we time. We time is more of your estrogen hormone. You time is when you're serving other people, doing for them, it's more your testosterone side, and then you've got your progesterone side is the me time. And my daughter's a bit of an introvert, so for her, the emphasis was on bonding with herself as opposed to. But she corrected it. You know, depending on your temperament as a woman, you're just going to be more engaged in social bonding. So there's a dance that women have to go through a cycle every month of balancing their weed time, you time, me time.

Dr John Gray [00:08:23]:
Men have a cycle, which is kind of. What's a man's cycle? His 24 hours cycle. Right. And it's he has to work, which is you time, which is for other people. Then he has to come back into his cave, which is me time, and not social bonding. It could be if he's more extrovert, could be social bonding, and then there's the we time. So we. We have our own balance.

Dr John Gray [00:08:46]:
It's just every, every day, every 24 hours we have. You got to get out there to work. In a sense. You exhaust your body to some extent. You use up your testosterone, then you come back for your cave time, which is a form of me time and not we time. And that's how men rebuild their testosterone, and then they get horny. That's the biological function in a man which motivates men for we time, which is. And for man, we time is all about, let me provide something for you.

Dr John Gray [00:09:17]:
And that's what is really. It's a different form of you time. You time for a man is I'm serving other people that I'm not intimate with. See, there's not a lot of personal love, yeah, friendship and so forth. But you're not physically intimate with them, nor are they your children, but they're something outside yourself that you're serving and getting paid for, are getting rewarded for whatever the reward would be. Men need to have that to build their testosterone up. That also uses up their testosterone. You build it to use it up, and then when you use it up, you recover, and that's your cave time.

Dr John Gray [00:09:58]:
And when men don't work, then what the brain remembers. Cave time makes me feel really good. But cave time does not rebuild testosterone unless you use it up. It's kind of, you've got to use your muscles for them to be rebuilt. If you don't use them, they don't rebuild. So, so many men are lost today because cave time feels so good.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:10:19]:
Yeah, but I'm just saying, cave time, they don't go out and work or they don't do certain things.

Dr John Gray [00:10:24]:
They don't balance it by action, rest, intimacy. Action, rest and intimacy. And for an immature man, you know, younger man, it's just action and rest. Action and rest. But as maturity grows, then for a man to experience fulfillment, it needs to be action, rest and intimacy.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:10:45]:
So I want to touch on a few things. One you mentioned, like the importance, and I think this is the issue with so many women coming from like, learning how to do me time. Right? So that's self care time. I mean, I had to learn this as well. It was all about action. Doing, being busy, getting caught up in all the amazing things that life had to offer. And completely neglecting self to the detriment of these things lead to chronic stress, chronic fatigue, etcetera. But also the role in what we're seeing more and more is men's testosterone levels are at all time low.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:11:18]:
The microplastics that are affecting men's hormones, the endocrine system, also for female hormones as well. Speaking the dog to Mindy Peltz at the weekend, and she was saying, you know, the amount of 20 something year olds, women she sees that aren't cycling at all from stress, from anxiety, from other issues too. So it's this almost real pandemic. It feels like occurring and happening to us. And I'd love to hear your view and how you're seeing these statistics.

Dr John Gray [00:11:45]:
Well, she's all about cleansing, right? Yeah, I love her. And she helps understand women. The best times to fast. Yeah, exactly. What does she say for women to fast? Which part of the cycle?

Claudia von Boeselager [00:12:01]:
So her recommendation is the minimum of like the twelve hour window to 24. And then she said the second half of the cycle.

Dr John Gray [00:12:09]:
Right. During the time where you have progesterone needs to be the thing you build up. And it's important you don't feel that it's hard. So you should. Anything that's difficult or challenging is testosterone producing. For example. I fast. I can fast three days a month, three weeks.

Dr John Gray [00:12:27]:
I do all kinds of fast. I was a monk for nine years and that's how I keep my testosterone up. You're pro and it's not just the fasting, it's the mindset. Fasting is not easy. It takes discipline. So that discipline, anytime a man does what he has to do. So in my mind, I go, I want to have high testosterone levels, healthy testosterone levels, which is more than when I was a young man. That's what healthy is.

Dr John Gray [00:12:53]:
Healthy is if you want to live a long, healthy life as a man, you want your testosterone levels to go up, along with your estrogen levels going up, which is what genius is. Genius is when your testosterone and estrogen are very high in harmony. That's genius. We all get glimpses of genius when we make love. That's sort of this nice given. That's why people always want to their marriages and whatever, they come to me and they say, how can we bring back those feelings we had in the beginning? It's. Everybody wants those feelings if you've had them. Some people have never had them and maybe never will, and they can have a happy life.

Dr John Gray [00:13:29]:
But, you know, some of us want ecstasy in our lives, and we want to feel that passion for a lifetime. And making love is a big part of that. I just don't want to minimize that at all. For women, sex is, generally speaking, is not as important, but for men, it's very, very important. It's the most important thing when it comes to his testosterone levels. And paradoxically, too much sex can lower your testosterone. Not enough sex can lower your testosterone.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:14:02]:
Can you explain that?

Dr John Gray [00:14:04]:

Claudia von Boeselager [00:14:04]:

Dr John Gray [00:14:05]:
Yeah. For the men who are listening, if. Let me just give you research, okay? Now, I couldn't have done this years ago because, you know, I got a PhD in sex, okay? Sex, sexual counseling. People think I have this great sex life. I should if I have a PhD in it, right? And I do. But they used to say, you know, how often do you have sex? And I would. I would say once a week. And they'd be so disappointed that once a week, you know, so, yeah, there was always this pressure, we should be having more sex than once a week.

Dr John Gray [00:14:34]:
And clearly there's times for more sex, but as a good routine, it's important to keep it up once a week. It's very important. We have to know that there is this decline. Again, the research shows that men's testosterone levels decline 1% every year. Now, you mentioned in the beginning we have all this toxicity that's affecting us. It hasn't affected my testosterone levels. Just to let you know, I'm 50% higher, but I don't drink a lot of bottled water with plastic water. But, you know, I live in a toxic world.

Dr John Gray [00:15:07]:
I travel. When you travel, I'm drinking stuff off the airplane. You know, that just comes from plastic bottles. And I do cleanse. So that's important. I do cleansing, and testosterone can go up as we get older. For men, their estrogen, unless they're a social path, their estrogen levels will naturally get higher as well. That's the problem.

Dr John Gray [00:15:29]:
We're built, you know, sort of the. To flow into estrogen. As you mature, you naturally develop more and more estrogen as a man. But if you don't sustain your testosterone, then you become passive, irritable, grumpy, lack of motivation, procrastination. You know, ultimately retirement is just the extreme procrastination. I just don't want to do it anymore.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:15:55]:
Good idea. Just keep going.

Dr John Gray [00:15:58]:
So anyway, so back to. I made the point. Too much, too little sex. Very important to know. So I just look at the research, and the research shows that that was just my own natural tendency, my own marriage. I would say, you know, quality over quantity. Quality over quantity. Because for me, it's a hugely ecstatic experience, is making love.

Dr John Gray [00:16:21]:
There's. It's never gone down. For me. It just gets better and better. And as I'm in my seventies, you can. You have more time and you can do more. Okay. But at the same time has to be different.

Dr John Gray [00:16:32]:
If you want to do more, it has to be different kind of sex. I'll do all three. So the research showed that when a man has. When he has sex, we'll call it when he releases his semen. Okay. I'm not going to say the word because some people, like, can't say the word. But when he releases on Saturday night with his wife, he releases. Then his testosterone levels will go back down to baseline.

Dr John Gray [00:16:55]:
During the active sex, it goes very high. If he has an erection, it's going much higher. Then after the erection goes away, it goes back down. He releases. It goes back down. Well, something happens when he releases. When he releases, his estrogen levels surge, and that pushes his testosterone back down to baseline. Okay, so then.

Dr John Gray [00:17:18]:
Then his horniness will start to build up and he'll want to have sex, say, on Tuesday. There's always exceptions here. Some men want it every day, and that's called sex addiction. But just basically, it takes a little time to recover. And then he has sex again. And after sex, it goes back down to baseline. Then on Saturday when he wakes up, he's at baseline and he does it all repeats itself. Okay, now let's say you eliminate the release on Tuesday.

Dr John Gray [00:17:44]:
He doesn't release on Tuesday, makes love to his wife partner on Saturday, and now six days goes by and he hasn't released. When he wakes up in the morning, his testosterone will be 50% higher.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:17:58]:

Dr John Gray [00:17:59]:
50%, 50% higher. Which is what it was when they first fell in love. In the beginning. When you're falling in love with somebody who you don't really know that well, that's why it's called falling. But it's, you get so much dopamine in the brain that you get a surge of testosterone. So everybody gets free hormones in the beginning of a relationship. Men get free testosterone. Women get free estrogen if they feel safe.

Dr John Gray [00:18:26]:
If they don't feel safe, then they get a blend of too much testosterone and estrogen and have all this anxiety that goes with it. But it's very addictive. But anyway, these are the subtleties. So the dynamic here is dopamine raises testosterone in men, raises estrogen. Women, if she feels cared for now what's going to happen is they're going to have great sex. Okay? There's electricity, there's nothing you have to do. And it's wonderful. And you do it a lot.

Dr John Gray [00:18:53]:
You do it a lot because there's just so much testosterone as each time you do it twice a week or three times a week, what you're doing is declining your baseline of testosterone. It's going to go down anyway. Okay. And I just say that by the big studies which have been done. Now, here's interesting for men to know about testosterone. At every age group, you've got an, you know, like from 34 to 35 to 36, there's an average drop of 1% of testosterone as you get older. This is your american person. All right? Now, the average person now in that category, let's say a 35 year old who has the highest testosterone in that category, because, see, it's relationship that determines our hormones.

Dr John Gray [00:19:42]:
This is my message. Now. It's never been put out. The most powerful thing that affects your hormones are your relationships. We talked about the Utah me time, we time relationship. These are all regulating our hormones now. So in the category of 35 year olds or 45 year olds or 55 year olds, any category, at any age, who has the most testosterone in that category? Single men. Okay? They have the highest testosterone.

Dr John Gray [00:20:10]:
Now, who's the next highest? That means they're lower. Is men who are dating a woman in a committed relationship. So a love relationship. The next drop in testosterone is married men. The next drop in testosterone is men with children. And the next drop is men who are retired and dead. So what do we glean from that? Which is, well, why? Because the more independent someone feels, the higher your testosterone levels. So you have to have a sense of I can do, and I can't.

Dr John Gray [00:20:44]:
It's just that sense of I have to do. Okay, so there's that place. That's why retirement just knocks a man's testosterone down completely. It goes into, I don't have to do anything but what I enjoy doing, what I like to do, what's fun to do, and his testosterone just plummets. Testosterone goes up when every morning you realize there's something I have to do. And that have to is the blessing for men and the scourge for women. I don't. Scourge is the right word.

Dr John Gray [00:21:09]:
But when women feeling I have to do, that's overwhelm, that's you're on your male side, so stressed, and you'll be producing, I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this. Your brain just doesn't turn off. Now, I want to add to this because I was going to say it a few minutes ago, why? Why do men have this ability to turn it off and women don't? That's a good question to ask. I ask all these questions and then the answer is, I find them in research and whatever, but who would have thought? But we know that, and some people don't know. So I'll remind them that we all start out as little girls. Okay? Males are just like little girls for the first three or four weeks. All right, so this is, women have all of the genes of her male and female sides, they're all there. And men have all those same genes, except when the Y, after about three weeks, the Y chromosome, which women don't have, it comes into play.

Dr John Gray [00:22:08]:
And remember, there's thousands and thousands of genes. But the Y chromosome gives men 23 unique genes that women don't have. So we've got 23 genes that women don't have. And what their function is, according to gene therapy, is a gene science, is they override many of the man's female genes. So now I'm inhibited from having all my female genes. I have all the genes you have. But then suddenly I got these 23 genes and they override my genes. So when I look at that concept of overriding, I identify, well, men have this gene that's, women have this gene that says, give, give, give, give.

Dr John Gray [00:22:48]:
You know, this is the whole thing. They're nurturers. You have a baby, you can't turn it off. You got to keep giving, giving, giving. So, for a man, we have that gene that give, give, give is overridden. And with that, with a new gene that says only give if you have to. This women misinterpret as narcissist man. Well, this is all men.

Dr John Gray [00:23:14]:
There is a real thing called narcissism, which is not what women understand, okay? They just think narcissist men are selfish. And there's a place where a man basically, in order to be of service, which is what his genes designed him to do as well. He has these serving genes, but only if you have to. So he's gonna see he doesn't have for women. Women have these fat cells that produce more for your body type than a man would have. And when you burn fat, you produce 20 times more energy than you're burning muscle. Just to know that, okay, these fat cells are amazing for women and are, when you're burning carbohydrates, okay, we're breaking down muscle into carbohydrate, and then you have energy. That's one form of energy, and that's primarily the dominant way men make energy.

Dr John Gray [00:24:04]:
Women, if they feel safe, remember, if they feel safe, then their estrogen levels are healthy, then they can burn fat. And that fat then gives them all this energy. So if you have all this energy, you can keep going and going and going, and you don't feel like, oh, I give, give, give, and I don't get back. It's very biological. Every woman who comes to my office is always feeling, I give and give and give, and I'm exhausted and tired, and I'm not getting back. Well, what would be giving back would be a man in your life who is giving to you so that you don't have to do everything. Partnership, you don't have to do everything. Now, a lot of women are just decide to be with another woman because you can get a lot of mutual support.

Dr John Gray [00:24:48]:
But if you just look at efficiency wise, if a man is over here going, I don't have to give to everybody. I can only do what I have to do. And if my wife requires me to give more to her than anybody else, then, then suddenly she doesn't have to do everything. So we are, in a sense, due to our different genetic makeup. We are designed to thrive by helpless giving. Now, selfless giving is a little bit misleading, but my wife says to me all the time, you're just so generous, you're so selfless, you're so giving. I can't imagine any man being better than you. It's a nice place to be in.

Dr John Gray [00:25:30]:
I've learned it. And when she's basically saying that there's this place of giving that I have, and I always remind her, I say, you know, I know you think I'm so generous in giving, and from one perspective, I am. But I'm extremely selfish. At the same time, I know that if I want to have great sex and I want to have a happy woman and I want to be happy when I come home and I want somebody telling me I'm an amazing husband, then this is what I have to do. And every man, once he learns this, can be such a better partner, he just doesn't know the things you have to do. He just see, it's sort of built in that because in the beginning of a relationship, you get this high dopamine, your testosterone levels are naturally higher, for estrogen are higher. There's so much love. It's so easy to go at the whole thing that goes away.

Dr John Gray [00:26:26]:
And what can keep his testosterone up and keep her estrogen up are basic mindsets and ways of relating with each other. Strategies of relating with each other that will raise her estrogen and raise his testosterone, and that creates a magnetic field called polarity. Polarity. I'm way more masculine than she is, and she's way more feminine than I am. And yet many times she's more masculine than me. She's like, when it comes to making money, she loves making money. Okay, she working so hard. But she says to me, it's different than when she was single.

Dr John Gray [00:27:05]:
When she was single and working hard, there was all this pressure on her. Now she's free to go to her male side knowing that she has the backup of her husband, who is always there to support her. It's just once you get over to your male side, coming back to your female side takes willpower. It takes a decision. It doesn't feel natural if you've been over on your male side for quite a bit. And that's why I was talking about our genomes. The genome dictates everything in your body. It's the blueprint of the body.

Dr John Gray [00:27:40]:
And one of the things your genome is going to be doing is regulating your estrogen and your testosterone, your progesterone, all those hormones, it regulates them. And so if in order to survive, a woman is way on her male side for three months, her genome will now start making that the status quo. That would be what's natural. Okay, she's just gonna go over there to shift over to feel more feminine is not gonna feel natural for her. If she's been over there for three months, there's been some trauma in her life where she feels, I can't trust others. I have to do it all myself. And that doesn't get healed in a time period which may just be three months. And that's because the genome repeats itself every three months.

Dr John Gray [00:28:25]:
Every three months, it adjusts itself. And when it adjusts itself, it creates a lot of errors from the original blueprint. So the blueprint is changing. That's what aging is, basically, is. Errors develop over time in the genome. So for three months, practicing these skills of coming back to her female side, the genome has a chance to repair itself and remember how to do that, because it's going to remember, oh, this feels much better. I like this. But in the beginning, it's not your natural tendency, so you have to overcome that for three months.

Dr John Gray [00:29:01]:
It's like breaking a habit. I think that's kind of a same thing. People say 21 days breaks a habit. But as far as the genome goes, to change your genome and repair itself completely into a whole new way of expressing, based upon your original blueprint, three months. And what can facilitate that process is that. That's the research I found online, which is they're doing this research pubmed and all that on a substance called erratic acid. Erratic acid is in mother's milk. Okay? So mother's milk makes her brain and whatever, you can get it in cow's milk, and you can get auratic acid.

Dr John Gray [00:29:37]:
And auradic acid is a substance that you can add minerals to it, and it will bind and deliver those minerals to the genome. But more importantly, it's the auretic acid that actually penetrates into the genome and supports genome repair. I hope this wasn't too complicated. Did it sound okay?

Claudia von Boeselager [00:29:57]:
No, I love this because, I mean, the people listening here, we've talked about telomeres and genetics and DNA and all the rest of it, so this is really fabulous. And I'm just thinking for so many women out there that are either, you know, single and they're working hard, and then everything's kind of on their shoulders or even like single mothers or whatever as well. So you're talking about if they've been three months in that sort of male environment, male energy. But what if they've been three years or five years or longer?

Dr John Gray [00:30:24]:
Right. It's just in their space. Okay. I'm just saying it starts at three months so that everybody knows, you know, so many women, you just get habituated to interacting a certain way, and suddenly you're just filled with, I have to do. I have to do. I have to do. That's your go to place, as opposed to get to do. And I have support to do.

Dr John Gray [00:30:44]:
And so what I found is. And I. I didn't know this about auradic acid. What I learned a long time ago is that if you bond lithium, which is also a mineral that will balance dopamine and serotonin in the brain. Okay? This is why it was known to be good for bipolar people, because they had extremes. They go up and they crash down, and they go up, and they crash down. Well, they developed lithium because there were lithium springs. If people were depressed or anxious or couldn't sleep, they could just spend a few hours in a lithium spring, and all their symptoms go away.

Dr John Gray [00:31:18]:
They're happy for a couple of days. And that comes to the conclude that lithium is very good for balancing the brain chemicals. But how do you get lithium into the brain? Because if you just take the lithium out of the ground, it doesn't cross the blood brain barrier. But psychiatrists, until they have all the drugs, they would use lithium carbonate, which is lithium out of the ground. So they're just taking rocks and grinding up and giving it to people. If you gave them a toxic dose of lithium, then you could cure bipolar symptoms. But if you stop, the symptoms came back, and you had the side effect of a toxic dose of something, any good thing, toxic dose that can't do too much of something. So what the psychiatrist offered was 500 times the dose of lithium that I recommend to everybody.

Dr John Gray [00:32:10]:
I used to have a wellness center for nine years. I had early stage Parkinson's when I was 50. I'm 73 now. It went away very quickly. Once I developed a wellness center. I got into longevity, got into supplements, and what I find it. I opened a wellness store, and I got rid of all that, because other people are doing it quite well. But still, people don't do the lithium thing.

Dr John Gray [00:32:32]:
And to me, that was the most important thing, because most people, when they're eating their carbs or when they're stressed, they use up lithium right away. It's carbs are stress processed sugars, or stress, or the stress of happiness. You have to realize that when you're really happy, like ecstatic, great sex, or some wonderful thing happened in your life, you're using up lithium because you're having to constantly balance these two opposite male female forces of dopamine is our male force, serotonin is our female force, and those hormones regulate testosterone, estrogen production, and all of that. So it's amazing. Without knowing it, lithium became. I just saw the effects on me and other people right away. For everybody. A small amount of lithium bonded to aradic acid has a profound effect in terms of helping you to restore the genome and in the meantime, balance your hormones.

Dr John Gray [00:33:31]:
It's very powerful, so I recommend it to everybody. You can go online. Lithium orotate, the best lithium orotate that I found is not all made the same, but I make sure mine is made the right way. That doctor Nieper discovered. He's a german doctor. And then we added to it ashwagandha and bacopa. Bacopa is for dopamine. Ashwagandha is for dopamine and serotonin.

Dr John Gray [00:33:58]:
There's another really good supplement people can know now, particularly for women, but also for men, saffron. Turns out saffron helps to feel satisfied after a meal and also lower stress levels. So I just added in a bunch of the goodies along with lithium orotate, and I also put in there magnesium orotate and calcium orotate. It doesn't take a lot. You know, people go, oh, there's a little bit of magnesium. I say, yeah, bonus magnesium orotate. The magnesium's getting into the brain. Most of magnesium doesn't cross the blood brain barrier.

Dr John Gray [00:34:27]:
Calcium doesn't cross the blood brain barrier. But if you bond it to auradic acid, it does, and you don't need much. Just for fun. I look at the brain as having sex all the time. If you look at what's happening, infinite, very quick, and every, every neuron in the brain happening thousand times a minute, is the neuron absorbs magnesium and magnesium promotes serotonin. If you're magnesium deficient, which so many people are, you will be stressed all the time. And not being able to sleep well and constipation, that's a lot to do with magnesium. So the neurons all need to be hold magnesium.

Dr John Gray [00:35:04]:
Then what happens is calcium goes in and out, just like the man going in and out. Calcium goes in and stimulates dopamine. Calcium goes out, and the magnesium stimulates serotonin. Calcium goes in, presiding dopamine, calcium goes out, stimulates, and what regulates that is lithium. So, you know, you need magnesium, calcium, and lithium. So my capsules have magnesium orotate, lithium.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:35:28]:
Orotate, all combined together in one capsule.

Dr John Gray [00:35:32]:
Plus a lot of the good adaptogens. I really think it's a great stress reducer for both men and women because it's helping to balance our hormones. Having said that, it's not a drug. You have to change your behaviors if you want to make the change changes to take place in your genome. So what that means, practically speaking, is for men. Coming back to the original thought we were talking about, I went off on a tangent, which was, for a man, when he has sex twice a week, he will stay at baseline all the time. And baseline goes down over time, as we see, as evidenced by the other studies showing that men's testosterone tend to go down. But if a man has, has a release just once a week, every Saturday, if that's the day you're having sex, it's going to go up 50%.

Dr John Gray [00:36:24]:
And that's what I found in my life. That was my rhythm. I tend to be more in touch with my nature and not addictions. So that was what worked for me for a long time, until I learned the third kind of sex, which is there's one kind of sex is be frugal, but make sure that you're, you're doing it on a regular basis. And occasionally, of course, you know, the situation occurs. What happens when men have low testosterone is they quickly get addicted to sex. So that's the guy who wants to have sex every day, because every time he has sex, his testosterone crashes down and he just has his fantasies that stimulate his testosterone again. And what that does is when it empties out, then you crave that moment of dopamine, of the release.

Dr John Gray [00:37:12]:
When you have that release, there's also a huge amount of dopamine. Your testosterone goes down, but the brain goes, I have to have the addiction. So you can get addicted to it. That's one side of it. You can also just do it twice a week. And what they found is your testosterone never reaches that 50% higher. When you wake up in the morning and it's just one day, you wake up. But that's very important for the woman, because for a woman, everything about sex is trust.

Dr John Gray [00:37:38]:
For her, everything about estrogen is feeling. I'm safe. That's oxytocin. Oxytocin is the physical contact. Why we get naked and we rub our bodies together. And moving around, all that moving around creates oxytocin in women, the breast stimulation creates oxytocin in women. It's very important to take enough time stimulating the breasts in a way the woman enjoys before going south. Okay.

Dr John Gray [00:38:03]:
That's where the estrogen starts getting produced. I don't know if we've gone into this, but I can talk about the hormones of the clitoris. That's another interesting.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:38:11]:
We haven't discussed this yet. So, yeah, yeah.

Dr John Gray [00:38:16]:
Clitoris, the breasts are producing lots and lots of oxytocin. The kiss opens the door for all hormones to get produced. That means you're now being intimate. You know, prostitutes will never kiss. That's the way they can stay detached from the whole thing. So it's very, very important that couples remember to kiss when they make love. So many men are not required to kiss to get turned on. So they don't think, what's the big deal? Kissing is a big deal and saliva is a big deal.

Dr John Gray [00:38:45]:
You know, actually tongues touching and various things. This is like very, very important to begin the stimulation of hormones. So it's kind of like a switch. Now, the breasts body's touching is oxytocin. You know, you sort of rolling around together, you know, cuddling and getting excited. That's a big key factor for oxytocin. Then the breast stimulation is very, very important. You know, the nipple sucking on a nipple, if that's pleasurable to her, and usually it is once they start becoming a little erect.

Dr John Gray [00:39:16]:
Then what happens is she's producing lots of oxytocin. Okay? Literally all her worries will start to go away when she's feeling the safety, because oxytocin, the hormone, does make you feel safe. Feeling safe will make more oxytocin. But stimulating oxytocin, this is actually using the body's chemistry, the biology, because, you know, it's sucking on the nipples that produces the oxytocin allows the milk to drop for when a mother, for a mother, you know, so this is biology. Now, you get down south, you don't want to miss the clitoris. The clitoris is very important. It's what creates desire. So now this is something for couples in a marriage over time, husband saying, honey, do you want to have sex? She goes, well, no, I'm not really in the mood.

Dr John Gray [00:39:59]:
Well, that doesn't mean she can't become in the mood. She needs her estrogen levels to go high enough. Oxytocin raises her estrogen levels. Then when her estrogen levels go high enough, her testosterone will naturally go up and she'll want to have sex. So there's a place where couples, I have so many couples just, you know, realizing that women are happy to have sex, but they may not feel the desire to have sex. But if you just have non goal oriented foreplay at least once a week, non goal oriented foreplay, even if you're not in the mood or anything, just that's, let's get into bed. Let's put on some nice music, let's light some candles, make some nice situation and cuddle together and kiss. You know, just that little kiss.

Dr John Gray [00:40:44]:
You don't feel like you want do it. You got to do it. Because that will actually start stimulating the hormones to make you want to do it. But first you have to have all this body touch, then the breast touch. Then you get the clitoris. Now clitoris, everybody. Because you can have a climax on the clitoris. And that's an easy climax.

Dr John Gray [00:41:02]:
It's not an orgasm. It's what many people call an orgasm. I have to differentiate because I have to use language. I call that a clitor. That's a climax, which is basically, you intensify your pleasure until spasm takes place and you have this release. Freud talked about this. He said there was what's called the immature orgasm and the mature orgasm. The mature orgasm is vaginal orgasm.

Dr John Gray [00:41:29]:
And then all the women complained, said, that's a myth. There's no such thing as a vaginal orgasm. Excuse me. My wife has a vaginal orgasm all the time. I've had people come to me and say, john, you talk about this vaginal orgasm. There are no nerve factors active in the vagina. I guess my wife has these special nerves.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:41:50]:
A lot of women do, a lot of women do, but they haven't discovered it yet.

Dr John Gray [00:41:54]:
Maybe they haven't discovered it yet. Now, I've counseled women who say to me, you know, they can have a climax with their clitoris, but the husband puts his penis in, they don't feel anything. Okay? It's nothing. Now why that is is because I'm explaining why that is. Okay, so the biology is such that when you stimulate the clitoris, you're making testosterone, not making estrogen test. Clitoris does not stimulate estrogen. But what it does do is it creates a desire. So basically you're getting your oxytocin with the breasts.

Dr John Gray [00:42:26]:
As oxytocin goes up, your estrogen starts to rise. Where you start to oxytocin is the doorway to estrogen. Now, once you have your estrogen rising, you balance that with testosterone. This is what naturally happens in a woman's body. When she ovulates or three days before ovulation, naturally her estrogen levels have doubled. If you're still young and you're not inhibiting it with birth control and various things, your estrogen levels will automatically double. This doesn't happen easily as you get older because we have higher levels of stress. We have inhibitions that develop and so forth.

Dr John Gray [00:43:02]:
Psychological blocks to feeling I can trust. But when you're young, you know, you haven't been betrayed so much. Your estrogen rises up to twice as high. Okay, so now this is twice as high. Now, what happens when a woman's estrogen levels double naturally? Her testosterone goes up. That's when her testosterone level goes way, way up. That's where she starts to feel, I want to be penetrated. I want something in my vagina.

Dr John Gray [00:43:28]:
I want to feel that connection. This is biology. When estrogen goes up, then again, she's feeling safe, and then her testosterone will go up. And testosterone then has a function of creating a desire to be penetrated so she can get pregnant. So this is, you know, the way nature figures working here. What you do is now your estrogen level is going up naturally. The clitoris will feel really good to be touched because that actual physical stimulation increases the testosterone to start balancing with the estrogen. Then what happens is testosterone starts to go too high.

Dr John Gray [00:44:04]:
That creates an imbalance, that creates a tension, and that tension is pleasurable because that's the whole sexual tension is pleasurable. It's very addictive. So she intensifies until the body has a spasm and releases it. And that's what's called a climax. What the stimulation of the clitoris is for is to raise her testosterone until she wants to be penetrated, not have a climax. So I'm telling women, give up your. What is it, your machinery? This is bad stuff. What you're doing with your machinery is you're overstimulating your clitoris, which then inhibits the energy of the vagina.

Dr John Gray [00:44:44]:
Waking up and being multi orgasmic, it's the vagina that can take you to the higher, higher levels of emotional vulnerability. Orgasmic pleasure, which rises and falls and rises and falls. It's become orgasmic. And then you kind of just feel a peak of that and you enjoy it, and you're done. And it's like you've used up the sexual potency, but you can use up your sexual potency with a climax right away. Now, the reason I like to emphasize this is once I want couples to experience multiorgas making love. But in studying chinese medicine and acupuncture, I spent ten years in China studying this stuff and Taoism and kung fu and qigong and all these various things. They have a knowledge of the energy systems in the body.

Dr John Gray [00:45:32]:
And what they would say is that when you stimulate the clitoris, you're stimulating your adrenal, your kidney channels, okay? And the adrenal other points in the vagina stimulate other organs in your body. So this whole thing is that the sex is supposed to heal your body, create longevity. And there's four basic levels they talk about in the vagina that you want to bring your sex energy, love energy to those places. And the clitoris being one, the breast being one, the mouth being one, the whole body being one. So they call them different gates that you go through. If you use up your sex energy on the clitoris, what you're doing, according to them, is you're overstimulating your kidneys. And when you overstimulate your kidneys, one of the symptoms of it is water retention. Some women don't want intercourse because it's too emotional, it's too vulnerable.

Dr John Gray [00:46:31]:
Just like touching your breasts for some women, too vulnerable for, you know, the clitoris, ironically, is the place that's the least vulnerable because it's a testosterone stimulator. When you see in the movies, it's like a cliche. Now is when the couple gets all excited, you know, they're gonna have sex. The guy immediately goes down on her because he can stimulate the clitoris. And it's like easy, easy pleasure. It creates attention. Women are in the habit of looking to the addiction. They get like, men get addicted to ejaculation.

Dr John Gray [00:47:03]:
Women get addicted to the climax that happens with the clitoris. So they have to have an awareness, a knowing of observing what happens when the clitoris is being stimulated. It's very pleasurable, but the pleasure will go in waves. It will start to rise up and it will start to go down. And what women tend to do. I'm not a woman, so I'm not aware of this. They told me this and that there's a place where the energy will start to go down. And then that's when they focus in trying to intensify.

Dr John Gray [00:47:38]:
So the whole idea of female multi orgasmic experience is no trying at all. No intensifying. The testosterone is intensifying, you know, focus. And so when, when the energy starts to disappear, if you don't understand that, it will come back. Okay? Like a man's attention, he'll pull it away. It will come back. If she doesn't know it will come back. She'll pursue it.

Dr John Gray [00:48:03]:
Okay? Same thing with the pleasure and sex, which is it will naturally dip down and, like, it's. It's not automatic. It's not happening. So then she'll try to make it happen by focusing in and intensifying. And that intensifying builds up until spasm happens and she releases all her sex energy. And that will also create more distance between the two of them and prevent her from actually experiencing this high level of emotional bonding that can occur as different points in the vagina literally show up. Most commonly, that's called the g spot, the right arousal. The g spot will naturally rise up like a little quarter.

Dr John Gray [00:48:40]:
It comes up. And in the beginning, for some women, it feels like she wants to peek. But it's emotional thing. It's actually a block to feeling emotionally receptive. And so you have to have good relationship outside the bedroom in order to have good sex in the bedroom. And then sex becomes what I call enlightened sexuality, which means you're not having sex for any goal. The goal of increasing pleasure is no longer the goal. The goal is feeling pleasure, which arises quite spontaneously in order to feel more.

Dr John Gray [00:49:15]:
And as you can feel more, you focus on feeling. A man focuses on feeling his love that he has for his partner and expressing that love. And a woman feels more to feel the vulnerability of the part of her that needs love, that needs a man's love, that needs to be reassured that she is loved. So this is. This is the depth of a woman's femininity, is the part of her that values love over survival. Even. So, this is, you know, you can't get to this level of high ecstatic union unless you've gotten survival needs pretty much taken care of. And that's what's going on in the world today.

Dr John Gray [00:49:53]:
Changing the subject a little bit is that to a great extent, we're free from survival, and a woman can go out and earn her own money. So it's basically, we're out of the survival mode. And as soon as a woman can go out and make her own money, not dependent, not depending on a man for her survival, to a certain extent, then what happens is she has a new need. And the new need is, I need love. Love is more important than anything. Love is even more important than money. Money is survival. Okay, so you need money, need survival.

Dr John Gray [00:50:25]:
But a certain point, if you're independent, you've got money to a certain degree. I mean, we always create worries and everything. That's human nature. You're not. You're not homeless. You're not the bag person on the street, which is almost every woman's deepest fear. Oh, my God. What if I was to be a bag person? You know? It's terrible.

Dr John Gray [00:50:44]:
So these are these deep, deep insecurities. There's nothing wrong with that. What you're doing is penetrating into the depth of feeling the value of love that I need to feel a man's love for me. And ironically, the only time a man can fully feel his love for you is when he's turned on this bisexual. Important for both the man and the woman. For me, enlightened sexuality frees me from, from being just this masculine being to being masculine and feminine. The feminine part of me is the love part of me. But once again, men have these genes that override to a great extent their ability to feel.

Dr John Gray [00:51:23]:
We just muscle mass. The more muscle mass a man has, the less he can feel. Also the less negativity he can feel. You know, he'll be very calm and peaceful, but he doesn't necessarily feel deeply. This is biology, this is muscle mass. This is testosterone. You know, think about it. Testosterone goes up.

Dr John Gray [00:51:41]:
If you're a warrior protecting your wife, right? You're out in the world protecting her. Testosterone goes up and you might have to kill somebody. You can't be feeling love for that person. You're feeling love for your wife, and that allows you to kill somebody or kill an animal or whatever it have to do for your family to survive. So we cut off from our feelings tremendously. We can access them. It's very easy for a man to access feelings through addiction. Anything that feels good will produce estrogen in a man.

Dr John Gray [00:52:08]:
But the problem here is that insecurity of a man, he immediately goes to his female side. And that's where addiction comes from. When I don't feel capable and confident as a man to make a difference in the world, I'll start finding something that will make me feel good. And that means he goes to his female side. Same thing for women. It's always easier to go to her male side. When you're a woman, the female side says, I depend on others to a great extent. Well, if I can't depend on others, I'll do it myself.

Dr John Gray [00:52:37]:
And every woman knows how easy that is to say, I'll just do it myself. He didn't do it. I'll do it myself. Right over your male side. Well, when men have insecurity, and where that's coming from is she's feeling insecure. I don't have love and support, okay? I don't have that support, so I'll do it myself. Well, the same thing for men. When he feels insecure on his male side, he'll go right to his female side.

Dr John Gray [00:52:59]:
Well, I'll just, if I'll just depend on someone else to do it for me and I'll wait and I'll procrastinate or I'll depend on food to make me feel good. I'll depend on, some men are addicted to exercise. Even I'll depend on exercise to produce endorphins. Then I'll feel good, as opposed to doing productive behavior in service of others in the world. And this is a training every boy needs. And unfortunately, the crisis I see happening, really, with testosterone, another side of it is so clearly evident with fatherless boys, okay, and fatherless girls. Right now, 70% of the black population in America does not have a man in the home. Boys have to have that, girls have to have that.

Dr John Gray [00:53:42]:
Otherwise you can't trust men. You don't know what's great about men. You don't know how to use men, you don't get the benefit men can offer. You don't have it in your consciousness of how amazing it is to have a man around, and a boy doesn't know how to be a man. So when your masculinity is weak, it's so easy just to go to your female side and do what feels good. I remember this as a teenager, okay? So for a different reason, I went to my female side. There was this natural balancing out of happened. The collective consciousness.

Dr John Gray [00:54:11]:
For our consciousness was raised. The sixties wasn't, you know, the Beatles, rock and roll, lsd, all those things, was elevated. Consciousness just thrust upon society. Males started growing their hair out, you know, and started taking drugs, starting to be free. Sex was free. All of that is the message, do what you like, do what you like. Now, if you take, do what you like to the nth degree, it's a satanic message. People should just know that.

Dr John Gray [00:54:38]:
I mean, I've read all the satanic books as well. The whole principle is you're above law, you do what you like to do, your will is good for everybody. And that's pure narcissism. Okay? That's when we actually look at what narcissism is, is if something's good for me, it must be good for you. I'm not going to check it out. This is, this is the, the man who's turned on to woman and thinks she's turned on to him just because he's turned on to her. Well, if I've turned on to you, you must be turned on to me. But maybe she's ready to throw you out the door.

Dr John Gray [00:55:05]:
But this has no sense of other part of masculinity is of service to others. That's how it blossoms and grows through work and then eventually having the rewards, the spoils of work to share that with someone who's more important than anybody else, and that's called marriage. And people don't understand the benefits of marriage today. There's health benefits, longevity benefits. People who are married live longer, fact. People who are married have more sex. Fact. Even though that's going down, that is a fact.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:55:36]:
Would you say married happily? Because, I mean, how many toxic relationships are there as well?

Dr John Gray [00:55:40]:
But I'm just looking at the statistics. It doesn't matter whether it's toxic or not. I mean, clearly, toxic relationships. There are toxic relationships, but there's a, see, we're talking about optimum. I mean, I was just listening to a podcast, the ultimate human. Nice podcast. And, you know, this is the ultimate life. Not everybody wants the ultimate life, okay? So for me, I don't care about looking like Hercules, okay? That's not, for some people, that's their ultimate life.

Dr John Gray [00:56:09]:
You know, what I care about is family, relationships, grandchildren, great sex, happy wife, and I'm very selfish about that. You know, I know what it takes. I know what you have to do. What I'm seeing is that every man who doesn't have that doesn't know, hasn't been taught how you, what you have to do to get that. He just hasn't been taught. And the good news is women can actually educate men in a way to bring that out of him by just asking for what they need in a way that doesn't make him feel blamed. And that's tough. That's a whole nother talk.

Dr John Gray [00:56:42]:
Okay, how to, how to motivate a man to be his best self, you know, but testosterone, we covered hormones quite a bit today, but the, the whole idea of too much sex or not enough sex is going to regulate your hormone levels. However, as you get more mature and more free, more connected to your male and female sides, if you're a man, that's maturity. You can be both independent, but also deeply intimate, and depending on your partner and appreciating her love, her support and all that which is there. Okay. As you get to that place, you make another hormone in your body, which is called lactin. And prolactin frees men from sexual addiction or the addiction to release. So I have so much prolactin. It's also the monogamy hormone.

Dr John Gray [00:57:30]:
Prolactin says, I'm not, I can't be turned on to other women. I can only be turned on to my wife. Okay, so this is amazing. This is prolactin, and they've measured this. When they're happily married couple men produce prolactin. If I have sex with myself, I had sex online or with a stranger. You don't make prolactin as a man. You only make prolactin with your partner.

Dr John Gray [00:57:51]:
And that's built by nature. Nature says if you find a woman you love, be satisfied and stay with her with the children so you can be there for the children. So you make this prolactin so as prolactin builds and you have polarity in your relationship, then you can have sex without the need to release. So when you have no need to release, you can have sex every day. She's in the mood anytime, anywhere, if you got time, and he's in the mood as well. So that's what we can look forward to as we can master these basics that I'm talking about. Then. Then there's the advanced stuff, which is the best retirement ever.

Dr John Gray [00:58:26]:
Even though you're not retired, you keep working, giving more sex than you've ever had in your life. That's the situation I'm in now. But it took learning how to master these hormones and generate enough of the certain hormones that it can allow you to do this. As a younger man, I tried doing it. I used to just get blue balls. You know, my body needed to release, but after a while, your body doesn't. You can free yourself that. It's very mindful.

Dr John Gray [00:58:49]:
You have to practice it. It's another skill. We've sort of run out of time. But we had a great conversation, though.

Claudia von Boeselager [00:58:55]:
Yeah, I love it as well. I didn't get to ask the question around women being multi orgasmic and the importance of that as well.

Dr John Gray [00:59:02]:
But that will happen more. Let's just finish. If you stop, if you just give up the clitoral release, stimulate the clitoris just enough where you feel. I want to be penetrated, but also when the clitoris pleasure goes down, don't focus in on it, but just allow the body to relax and then feel the desire to be penetrated because that was a surge of testosterone, it's going to drop back down. Then you go to gentle penetration, and then it's more emotional. And so then you have to talk a lot at this point. Okay, this, you have to, you have to build your estrogen to super high levels. Couples usually don't talk.

Dr John Gray [00:59:39]:
So what I suggest is the beginning. This is a little bit advanced skill, but you have good communication. You can communicate it. I if I have 15 more minutes, I can communicate this one. But it's basically what it looks like is why you're making love. She says, do you love me? He says, yes. She says, how much do you love me? With all my heart. She says, do you think I'm beautiful? Yes.

Dr John Gray [00:59:59]:
Are you happy about it? Are you still mad at me? No, I'm not mad at you. Am I the only one for you? You get reassurance, you verbalize these insecurities, acknowledge the need for love and any doubts you might have. And he's trained to know that. He's not going to say, well, of course I love you, that's why I work so hard. No, he just answered the question. And what that does, and expressing his love in that way when she's needing it, amplifies his ability to feel love. It amplifies his ability to feel love by articulating it. When he feels that love more, it allows her estrogen to go higher levels of feeling love.

Dr John Gray [01:00:36]:
You can't feel so loved by a man if he's not in touch with his feelings. So sex is just there to help me feel more. And then I feel more love. And I communicate that love through my behavior, through my actions, but also through my words and through sounds. Sounds also at a certain point, then you're bringing in the deepest level of instinct with the highest self. Then you're making lots of loud noises, ahs and the ooze. And, you know, all these humming sounds start coming out of you. But this is like fantastic for your body, for longevity, making love.

Dr John Gray [01:01:08]:
Not just having sex for a release, but making love.

Claudia von Boeselager [01:01:12]:
Beautiful. John, unfortunately we have to stop here. I know that you have other appointments on, so I thank you so much for all your wisdom and insight. This has been a fantastic conversation, as always. So I really appreciate you coming on. Before we just finish up, where would you like people to check out to follow you to?

Dr John Gray [01:01:30]:
What can we link to so there's a free class there. There's also other classes there that have a cost something. And one of them is secrets of great sex. Another one of them is. And they're whole workshops, you know, with little fill out the form and all these. What are the modules and questionnaires and exercises? And I show you all the answers to the exercises. So you all make a. So that's one.

Dr John Gray [01:01:52]:
And then most popular is for women understanding men. It's just fantastic. And then if you've done that, you love it, then go back and do another one, which is called the me time class, which is getting me time. We talked a little about that. It's just a lot of single women go, I don't need me time. All I have is me time. And the key is how to be in a relationship and create enough time for yourself to find that balance. Understanding men is a fantastic class.

Dr John Gray [01:02:18]:
I highly, highly recommend it. And we've got some other ones, how to bring out the best in a man and so forth. So sign up there. And also at the top of the page is lithium orotate. It's called elemental orotates is what it's called. And click there, it will take you to a site at Amazon that at least explains it. That's the only place you can buy it at Amazon. So those are some really wonderful options for people if they want to hear more.

Claudia von Boeselager [01:02:42]:
Beautiful. Thank you so much, John, for coming on again today. And thank you, everyone, for listening and tuning in.

I’m Claudia von Boeselager

Longevity Coach, detail-loving educator, big-thinking entrepreneur, podcaster, mama, passionate adventurer, and health optimization activist here to help people transform their lives, and reach their highest potential! All rolled into one.

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