Dr. Marcy Cole - On Conscious Co-Parenting, Key Strategies For Kids To Thrive During Divorce, Being A United Front, New Partners, Resilience, Finding Love Again, Making Love Last, Holistic Health And More

The Longevity & Lifestyle podcast

The Longevity & Lifestyle podcast

The Longevity & Lifestyle podcast

Episode 110

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“I say children are not scarred by divorce. Children are scarred when the parent or both parents are not taking care of themselves and are not respectful to each other.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

Today’s guest is Dr. Marcy Cole. Marcy is an LA-based holistic psychotherapist and has been practicing Psychotherapy for over twenty-five years, working with children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families. Marcy’s articles have been published by Goop, Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper, Huffington Post, and Thrive Global as well as being a bestselling author.

Marcy has been featured as an expert on television shows such as Dr. Drew’s Life Changers, and Millionaire Matchmaker, to name a few. She received her bachelor's from Northwestern University, her Masters from Loyola University, and her Doctorate from the Institute of Clinical Social Work in Chicago.

In this episode, we dig into:
  • Co-parenting After Divorce
  • Finding Love Again 
  • What it Takes to Make Love Last
  • Daily Holistic Health Self Tune-In, Tune-Up
  • Resilience: Staying Steady During Turbulent Times
  • Entrepreneurial Life And Living Outside Of The Box
  • And Much More

Please enjoy!


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Show Notes 

(02:01) Marcy explains what is conscious co-parenting and why it’s important
(2:46) What it takes to allow children to thrive during and after separation and what tools should be used
(4:58) What children may experience during a divorce
(5:40) Why parents should take full responsibility and get extra child support when needed
(7:14) How to recognize how children communicate at the least expected times
(8:28) Why its not best to stay together for the sake of the kids
(10:40) Why it is important for the children to feel safe in a united co-parenting dynamic
(13:37) How unfinished business between parents can affect a child 
(15:37) How a child may be affected with a new stepparent entering their life and how the parent can help them with the change and to not take things personal
(18:55) How we all get triggered and how to over come that
(20:14) How to know and manage support while going through a breakup or divorce.
(25:01) Marcy’s book recommendations
(27:43) Marcy shares her journey to becoming a holistic psychotherapist 
(33:02) Finding love in mid-life, the power of thought and Marcy’s love formula cheet sheet.
(38:21) Advice on how to know you want to commit to someone
(39:32) How to develop a beautiful lasting relationship
(42:58) How to stay resilient in turbulent times including with children
(47:01) How gratitude can steer you through turbulent times
(49:04) What is tune-in and tune-up
(50:16) The importance of gratitude and acknowledging ourselves 
(55:11) The path of an entrepreneur, living out of the box
(57:52) Marcy shares who she finds most successful 
(59:18) Marcy shares her morning routine / practice 
(01:01:32) Marcy shares her favorite quote
(01:02:39) Marcy shares her biggest challenge and how she overcame it
(01:05:06) Marcy’s advice on how to approach finding love 
(01:06:49) Marcy shares where you can find her online
(01:08:09) Marcy’s parting message on staying in your lane


“Focus on yourself, focus on each other, and then of course, your children. To speak to your kids constructively, productively, and compassionately. And to be able to hold space for the kids to share what they're feeling.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“Children are evolving just like we are, so what they might experience at five might come up again at eight or nine when they're with their friends. When they're starting to have their own experiences on the relationship field. We want to stay attuned to what they're experiencing.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“Sometimes children don't have the ego or language capacity to share what they're experiencing. When you're listening, you're looking for their verbal and nonverbal communication or their behavior. If something seems off, you check in with them.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“I say children are not scarred by divorce. Children are scarred when the parent or both parents are not taking care of themselves and are not respectful to each other.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“We want to learn how to communicate, not to stop communication.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“When we blame, shame, demonize and make it all about another person, it's fueling the fire. Instead of fanning resolution and peace.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“When we're brought to our knees, it’s when we find out the truth of who we are more than ever, and we find out the scope and the expansive capacity for our understanding, healing, and wisdom.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“The holistic model is taking the whole of a human into consideration and all the pieces of our life that are important to attend to. Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“I'll give you a little cheat sheet - The Love Formula. L, O, are internal, V, E, are external. L stands for looking within. O stands for opening your heart. V stands for vetting and venturing out. And E is for embracing it fully, not holding back, and just going for it.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“Who we met on the first date is not who we're with a year later or 10 years later.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“When you say all is well, it doesn't mean that every single morsel of your life is in perfect place. It means I'm still here. I still have my body, my health and my tomorrow.”

“Tuning in is listening to where we feel called to, what resonates, and what's visceral.” - Dr. Marcy Cole, Holistic Psychotherapist

“To thine own self be true” - William Shakespeare 

“At the moment of commitment the entire universe conspires to assist you.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Claudia von Boeselager: Welcome to another episode of the Longevity and Lifestyle Podcast. I'm your host, Claudia von Boeselager. I'm here to uncover the groundbreaking strategies, tools, and practices from the world's pioneering experts to help you live your best and reach your fullest potential. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast to always catch the latest episodes.

Legal Disclaimer: Please note, to avoid any unnecessary headaches, Longevity & Lifestyle LLC owns the copyright in and to all content in and transcripts of The Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast, with all rights reserved, as well as the right of publicity. You are welcome to share parts of the transcript (up to 500 words) in other media (such as press articles, blogs, social media accounts, etc.) for non-commercial use which must also include attribution to “The Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast” with a link back to the URL. It is prohibited to use any portion of the podcast content, names or images for any commercial purposes in digital or non-digital outlets to promote you or another’s products or services.


Claudia von Boeselager: Welcome to another episode of the Longevity and Lifestyle Podcast. I'm your host, Claudia von Boeselager, here to uncover the groundbreaking strategies and practices from the world's pioneering experts to help you live at your best and reach your highest potential.

If you want to get top tips, insights, and strategies on optimizing your life, health, and longevity, grab my weekly newsletter by going to 

Today's guest is Dr. Marcy Cole, and we will be covering topics such as co-parenting after divorce, finding love again in midlife, what it takes to make love last, Daily Holistic Health - self tune in and tuneup, Resilience - staying steady during turbulent times, entrepreneurial life, and living outside of the box and much more.
Dr. Marcy Cole is an LA based holistic psychotherapist and has been practicing psychotherapy for over 25 years. Working with children, adolescents, adults, couples and families. Marcy's articles have been published by GOOP. Some of you will know that I'm sure. Maria Shriver's Sunday Paper, Huffington Post and Thrive Global, as well as being a bestselling author.

Marcy has also been featured as an expert on television shows such as Dr. Drew's Life Changers, Millionaire Matchmaker, to name a few. She's received her bachelor's from Northwestern University, her master's from Loyola University, and her doctorate from the Institute of Clinical Social Work in Chicago.

Marcy, welcome to the Longevity and Lifestyle Podcast. It's such a pleasure to have you on today. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Thank you Claudia. It's an honor. Thank you so much for inviting me. 

Claudia von Boeselager: I'd love to start with a topic that is so relevant for so many couples with such high rates, sadly, of divorce and separation. And it's the topic of conscious co-parenting after divorce.

There's a saying that divorce scars your children for life, but you share a different view from this misconception. So can you explain for my audience what is conscious co-parenting and why is this so important? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: So conscious co-parenting isabout staying awake and aware about how you wanna move through a very challenging time, right?

For the benefit of yourself, your children, and your entire family. So we can be asleep at the wheel, we can be caught in, and under incredible stress of all the challenges that have that we've faced, or we can rise above it and do the very best we can under the circumstances. So it's the same thing as staying awake and aware of the other parts of your life.

How do you wanna stay mindful about what's going on and how you wanna walk through it in the way that serves you and everyone.

Claudia von Boeselager: What are some key strategies and tools you recommend to ensure that kids and parents alike can thrive during and after a separation? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Well, okay, so we know that everything starts with ourselves, right?
So we want to be able to create a steady ground and be as centered as we can during this very challenging time. So the first order of business, like they say, put on your mask before you assist your child, right? The first order of business is to get as much support as possible for our own trajectory of how we wanna walk through this and deal with healing our heart, deal with getting grounded again and deal with really thinking about how we wanna, again, consciously walk through this and communicate most constructively with our kids and our soon to be ex-partner, right?

So it starts with yourself first, and then, I absolutely encourage couples if they are not walking through it in a way that is serving them and their kids to get help immediately, right. To walk through their divorce proceedings through a mediation process that tries to find a middle ground, that is fair and just for everyone and to get therapeutic support, to really help support them and learning how to communicate with each other, make decisions that are gonna serve everyone. 

And so there's focusing on yourself, focusing on each other, and then of course, your children, how to speak to your kids constructively, productively, and compassionately. And on that front, we wanna be able to hold space for the kids to share what they're feeling.

What is this like for them? We wanna be able to actively listen. We wanna be able to be empathic with them and validate whatever feeling they're experiencing, and of course, reinforce multiple times the message, that, yes, this is a hard time. No, it's not what anyone would've wanted, but we're going through it together and that mommy and mommy or daddy and daddy or mommy and daddy love you and that's never gonna change. And we're always gonna be a family, right? 

Claudia von Boeselager: So it's that re affirmation to them and remembering that they're at the center I think is so important and critical. And assumably it's not just kind of the one-off conversation, but this is a series of conversations that will go over time, right?

Dr. Marcy Cole: Yes. Because children are evolving just like we are. And so what they might experience at five might come up again at eight or nine when they're with their friends and their friends say, what? Your parents are divorced? And, you know, whatever or during adolescence, right? When they're starting to have their own experiences on the relationship field. So we wanna stay attuned to what they're experiencing. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Marcy, for kids that have gone through potentially a suboptimal separation, they experienced a lot of trauma or disagreements between the parents. How would you recommend, that these kids or parents can help these children to heal from that when they then choose to look at conscious parenting?

Dr. Marcy Cole: Yeah, well, first of all is to take full responsibility. It starts there, right? And as soon as that trauma can stop, because both parents are having the very important wake up call to whatever dysfunctional be behaviors or arguments or, the strife that the child was exposed to, you know, they want to call a halt to that as soon as possible. And again, like, we've said, to get as much help and support in order to pivot that experience to gather so the kids can start to see new role modeling before them. That's number one. Number two, guess what? The child oftentimes needs support, needs their own person, right? I'm working with, a mom who's now got her 10 year old with her own special feelings doctor, right?

Who can talk to her every week about what she's going through. So both the parents, all hands are on deck. They're talking to her, they're working with her. They're trying to take responsibility for their own behavior moving forward, but she needed additional support so they got it for her. And so I would encourage, this is about attune attunement to your child.

You, you think about what you can do differently and what you can say to hold safe and healing ground for them. But then you also, call in additional support if necessary. 

Claudia von Boeselager: And for parents trying to, or if they don't believe that external support is maybe the first line of call, that they want to do things better themselves. 

How do you best recommend to become a conscious parent? Is it, you know, the communication, is it the reassurance? What are some different strategies around that?

Dr. Marcy Cole: Yeah, it's all of the above, first of all, you're paying attention, so sometimes children don't have the ego or language capacity to share what they're experiencing. So you're listening, you're looking for their verbal communication, their nonverbal communication or their behavior. If something seems off, you check in with them.

Hey sweetheart, what's going on? What are you experiencing right now? Or what was that about? So you observe and you attend to, you also listen for the things they're clearly stating. Sometimes it could be on their way out the door. Doorknob comments or you're on the way to school. And right as they get out, they say something that you don't wanna gloss over, you wanna come back to.

So it's listening for that, it's asking active exploratory questions and it's absolutely, of course, continuing to reassure them over time that this is a journey for everyone and that we're in it together. 

Claudia von Boeselager: I'd love to take a step back and look at the concepts some people have of, you know, we're staying together for the children's sake, this is the best thing to do. Why and then what circumstances is this not necessarily true? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: So, Ideally in the perfect world, which we don't live in, unfortunately, but it's a journey of life for us all. Most of us start out coupling with the best of hopes and intentions, and children want the same thing. There's a primal need and desire for their parents to be happy and to be together forever right? 

The best case scenario, of course, is to be together and stay together and to get through difficult times and come out the other side. My parents for one, were married for 74 years. It wasn't always smooth sailing, but they had a deep love for each other, they had a deep commitment, and they stayed in the room and they got through it. In the last 25 years of their marriage, they were like Velcro connected. So couples can get through hard times. However, if those couples are fundamentally not growing together and are growing in different directions and are starting to want different things out of life. If they cannot get along in the way that is at least harmonious, even if it's not super connected in front of their kids.

What I say is children are not scarred by divorce. Children are scarred when the parent, or both parents are not taking care of themselves and not respectful to each other. And so then the child feels split and they are sort of engaged in this system of conflict that is incredibly destabilizing.

So, the most high road emotionally grown up thing, sometimes we need to do is to say, you know what, we thought this was gonna work. We hoped it would work. It's heartbreaking. It hasn't, but we are not really meant to go through life together as husband and wife, but we are committed to figuring our way through healing this, becoming friends ideally and absolutely a united front on the co-parenting. That's the common ground you have together, right?

Claudia von Boeselager: And it's so essential as well and you just touched on that, about having that mutual respect for each other or speaking well of the other partner. Why is this so essential for kids to really feel that united front despite a separation or despite a divorce? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Yeah. So this is a slippery slope, right? Because nobody's perfect. And if they are exposed to either parent being not their best self, or one parent is pointing out that the other parent is not their best self. The balance we wanna try to strike is to not pretend that it's not happening, right? The example I gave, you know, in an article was that, a parent has a bad temper, right?

So, this actually happened in a client scenario that I was working with for a while where the dad just would pop off and get really angry really, really quickly. And so the mom, when the child was upset about this, the mom would say, you know, first you validate, I know it's really uncomfortable and it's heavy on your heart when you see, when you're around dad getting that upset and saying those things. So you first validated and then you don't normalize it, but you put it in perspective. So you say, you know, no one's perfect, and even grownups still need to learn sometimes.

And even big feelings that we talk about all the time managing them. Sometimes grownups are still working on the same thing and daddy's working on that. And daddy, that's part of his growth in his life. And then the third piece is to help the child remember the good. But just remember that even when that's happening, and even if that happened in the past, Let's remember the wonderful things about your father.

He's this, he's that. What do you think? What do you love about him? And let's remember the beautiful times and the fact that you are loved, you know? and so you wanna hold space for all of it. Acknowledging times when they're not great. Taking responsibility for yourself, not pretending that your partner, co-parent is perfect, but also assure the child, to remember to have a balanced view.

This is called dialectic behavioral therapy. The idea that you can hold two realities at the same time, right? You can be upset with someone and still care about them. You can realize that someone has a problem in this area, even your own parent. But they have unbelievable strengths over here, right?

And that they're not always at their best, but they always love you. And this is what we wanna be able to do for ourselves and co-parents together. Remembering, gosh, we didn't work the way we hoped we would, but we certainly can work on developing a strategy and communication and relationship that works better for us moving forward.

Claudia von Boeselager: I think that's beautiful as well to reframe things so that takes the aggression out of it and an opportunity for growth. 

Marcy, are there times, or situations conscious parenting and united front might confuse children? Might there be the perception that they, you know, the parents are still too close? Is that okay? Is that good? Is it not so good? What do you see in this space? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Look, it always feels good when people treat each other with kindness, respect, compassion, and connection. So for the child to be exposed, gosh, mom and dad or mom and mom, and dad and dad, whoever their parents are, they seem to be better friends now than they were. Wow. They seem to be, gosh, they give each other such a sweet hug, you know, if there's confusion, sometimes they might ask about it. You know, are you gonna get back together? Gosh, mommy, you look like you're so happy with, you know. So what's important is not to keep it from them because it's a beautiful thing.

The only time that it can get in the way is if post divorce, there's not an intention to get back together in that way, but there's an enmeshed relationship that's not allowing for each or both partners to move forward with their lives. Or even allowing another person to enter if that's what they ideally wish for.

So if there's unfinished business in terms of almost like a codependent attachment, then we wanna pay attention to that. And that can be confusing to a child. But assuming that it's actually healthy and good and positive, it's just, you know, I say to people, you're relationship doesn't need to end.

In fact, it can't end when you have kids because you're going through life together. That's the fact. But that it's merely changing form. You're changing your relationship form, you're changing the definition of it and the dynamic of it. And so for the children to witness that it's sweet and loving connection, but let them know this is platonic.

We are now in a different stage together. But like I said before, listening for if it's too enmeshed and it's confusing not just for the kids but for yourselves, then you have to address that obviously. 

Claudia von Boeselager: A question for new partners or stepparents, what are some recommendations and strategies for not disrupting the initiative with somebody new coming into that often that can rock the boat? So what are some principles and strategies you recommend for new partners or stepparents? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: So, yes, it's an important question because I've experienced it myself. Being a stepparent is both a blessing, can be, and can be challenging at times because you're coming into a family system that is already in place.

You're coming in potentially with children, having that primal fantasy that their parents might get back together or the hope that they would, even if it's not conscious, you might be coming into a situation where the children really like you, but it feels like a betrayal on some level. So they're conflicted.

Part of them, again, wants to like you and love you and embrace you, and part of them keeps you at bay for fear of not getting too close or betraying one of their biological parents. So it's tricky, but again, starting with self responsibility, self-care, staying steady on your own feet.

If you come into a situation, this is true for any love affair, and we're standing on one foot, meaning we're not really clear about who we are, we're not feeling as good about the truth of who we are, and we're looking for external validation, that'll be a hot mess because, there's too many players in the kitchen, and if you're looking to them to make you feel loved and you feel accepted, that's a tall order.

But if you go in saying, listen, this is who I am. You know, I love your mom. I love your dad, and this is, you know, and just stay steady. You are there to be a placeholder of peace and love and certainly, be available if the child reaches out to you but be careful not to impose. But stay there. And through difficult times, you stay there. This is not easy, but what I'm about to say is probably the biggest game changer of all, which is not to take things personally. Which I don't know if any of the listeners have read the four agreements, but that's one of them. Not to take things personally, which helps us all on all fronts of life, but particularly when you're a stepparent coming in. With all the moving parts, the ex, if the ex is embracing, wonderful, if the ex has issues and ... you might have to call it out, you're gonna have to work with it in some way, but you don't have to take it personally because it's not about you. And if the child has ambivalence and comes in and out of intimacy with you, not about you, just stay steady parting line, create boundaries, of course that you require respectful communication and that has to be worked out with your current partner also, right. 

But in the scheme of things, You just realize that you're on a journey. And I really do believe, Claudia, that when we are on that path and when we stay true to ourselves and we stay in a loving space, despite external, sometimes chaos, eventually the child will learn to trust and hopefully embrace, particularly as they get older and more mature. There's room for everything.

There's room for their love for their parents, their healing of their divorce, and their acceptance and embrace of you. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Beautiful. Yeah, I think, I mean for all parties involved is really taking the time for self-care, self-love and becoming stable and know who you are. And I think that is a secret to success, which with some people are more emotional than others, it can be a bit tricky, but uh, it's staying steadfast to that.

Dr. Marcy Cole: Some people are more emotional... one of the things that again, is not always easy, but man, we all can feel triggered, all of us, but if we can practice mindful strategies to attend to that. The power of pause, taking a breath, not trying to figure it out or work it out when we're triggered.

Taking a minor break, you know, we talk about timeouts for children, hopefully as a supportive tool, not as a punishment, but this is the same for us as adults. So I encourage whether you're stepparent coming in or whether you are, two people going through a separation or divorce, or whether you're trying to help your child deal with big feelings. Try not to respond in the moment of being triggered. Step away, take a breath. A breath can be the interruption we need to get our sensibilities back and feel a little bit more grounded in the moment. 

Claudia von Boeselager: That's a really good reminder and strategy, especially in something heightened as in a separation or divorce and to just really consciously taking a step back, pause, breath... coming from a stronger, higher road. So thank you for sharing that. 

What are some bad recommendations that you hear when parents are separating? What are things that, you know, some patients might come to you with and you're like, okay, no that's bad advice, don't follow that. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Sometimes when people say, just don't speak to her or just don't speak to him, that might be necessary in the moment for you to collect your thoughts and for you to communicate, hopefully with words, but if not in an email that's very clearly stated with no inflammatory language, but talk about your hopes and requirements to get back together and moving forward. But to disconnect for too long and not have any communication, ideally that's not what we want, right?

We wanna learn how to communicate, not to stop communication. That's number one. Also the advice about just people, you know, when you're going through this, your friends and family are probably in your corner and they can often just demonize your partner soon to be former partner. And that blaming, blaming thing, and sometimes it's even from a professional, you know, who sometimes loses our way.

And making assumptions based on your own experience, your own story. But again, being able to validate as a friend, your friend's experience going through this challenge or trauma or when their story of their partner out of line, you know, it's obviously we're gonna say, you know what, that wasn't okay.

But when we blame and shame and demonize and make it all about another person, it's fueling the fire, instead of fanning resolution and peace. And so I think on the flip side, right, what we can say to people walking through that is, I'm so sorry you're going through, you know, when it's, when they're going through the hardest part. I'm so sorry. That sounds so hard. Yeah. It wasn't okay to slam the door in your kid's fa.. You know, like whatever trauma's going on. But to also say, but you know what? You stay taking care of you, you'll find your way, just stay in your lane. Keep inviting he or she to join you on a higher road journey.

Keep tending to your children's heart and reminding them who you really are, who that other person really is, and who you're trying to be as a family moving forward. Just remember your on a trajectory of healing and new beginnings. So, what you're doing is you're obviously validating your friend's experience, but you're not taking them so off course, you're like, well, you should never speak to him again.

You know, or you should, or he's just a, you know what, and forget about him, or he, she's, you know, I can't believe her. She, yeah. So the advice of taking sides to the point of demonizing the other, or disconnecting completely, ideally, is not the path we want to take. I just wanna say the disclaimer to that is that obviously if we're talking about, overt physical, sexual verbal abuse, that's a different story, right? That's a different story. That is when you deserve to protect yourself and your children and do whatever it takes to remove yourself from a situation until that other person is grounded enough to be able to come back in the fold in a new and more constructive way.

Claudia von Boeselager: What are some of the learnings or insights your patients that you work with have found most valuable? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Well, what I hope they find most valuable is that, "nothing's for not", is that every relationship we can learn from, we can grow from, and we can get through the difficult times and find and create again, a new experience for everyone. I think they can learn more about the depths of their sense of strength and their capacity for insight and their capacity for courage and growth. And their capacity to love, even when it's hard and their capacity to walk their children through it, even when they're bone tired themselves and their capacity to reach out for support, to receive support. I heard Sonia Choquette, who's an author and intuitive and all these great things. I remember hearing her speak years ago in Chicago, and I remember her talking about like the heart chakra experience in our life and that when we can receive what we can give is when we really know what love is all about. So sometimes going through really difficult times when we're brought to our knees is when we find out the truth of who we are more than ever, and we find out the scope and the expansive capacity for our understanding and healing and wisdom. And of course, the beautiful receptivity to the love that is there for us as well, whether it's on the ground or above, you know. 

Claudia von Boeselager: That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. Let's talk about some books that you would recommend for people wanting to start digging into how to consciously co-parent. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Absolutely. I know you've had Katherine Woodward Thomas, who's a dear friend, also actually on your show before she wrote Conscious Uncoupling. I always say to people when they're going through it, I share a couple of these too. I said, I want you to buy two copies. Okay? I want you to buy a copy and buy a copy for your soon to be former partner, and even if that other person isn't ready for it, they can still have it, and one day they might wake up and they might open up to page 50 and have a message that's really important for their heart in that moment.
You know, we get there when we get there and we get there when we're ready. And sometimes both partners are not there at the same time, but I hold the belief that we all have the capacity to get there. So Conscious Uncoupling is a great book. 

You know, I remember years ago, I lived in Chicago for many years and I remember being at this bookstore and seeing a book called Spiritual Divorce by Deborah Ford. Deborah Ford has since passed. She contributed so much to the field of wellbeing, and I remember picking it up and like wanting to clap in this bookstore, because this was 25 years ago. Okay, this was before there was a lot of this talk, and it was such a beautiful gift to people realizing that while this is painful emotionally, while it's not what I wanted, it wasn't the blueprint of my life I thought was gonna unfold.
There's capacity for emotional and spiritual healing and growth here, particularly if I, and, or hopefully the other join me in taking the highest road possible. So there's that book, Giving The Love That Heals is also a beautiful read for parents by Harville Hendrix. Again, a book written many, many years ago, but this talks about how we oftentimes, unconsciously project onto our children, those precious beings we love the most in life, without even realizing it. And calling our attention to our own experience with our original attachment, our experience with love and loss when it comes to our original caretakers, our own parents, whatever, but what we are sometimes projecting and making sure that we clean that up as best as we can. So giving the love that heals by Harville Hendrix. 

One of my dearest friends, Dr. Robin Berman, wrote Permission To Parent. That's for parents, just in general. It's not about just specifically for parents going through this, but it's a beautiful read particularly for people parenting young children. So those are a few for sure. 

Claudia von Boeselager: I'd like to take a step back and understand a bit more about your journey to becoming a holistic psychotherapist. I haven't actually heard that term together. Can you share a bit about your journey, and what your work encompasses and your passion behind it?

Dr. Marcy Cole: Of course. So I was trained pretty traditionally and to simplify it, I mean really to simplify it, I continue to incorporate some of those modalities and theories in my understanding of human nature and development and in my practice. Some of those, for instance, are the power of the unconscious.

The idea that, you know, we have our consciousness, we have our subconscious, we have our unconscious material that's there. And that when we have a really beautiful scenario working with someone that feels like a good fit, we feel safe enough. And some of that unconscious material starts to come up that we're really scared of because we think it's gonna take us over. But what it actually does is set us free. Then we are in a safe space to be able to look at it and say, wow, what is this feeling? What is this thought? What is this coming up? And you know, they talk about the only way out of it is through it, right? And so we move through it. So the power of the unconscious is definitely something in the traditional modalities that really operate and practitioners focus on. Also the idea, and the more psychodynamic theories about things don't happen in a vacuum, so that if someone's getting super irritated by a specific incident over here, it usually has its tentacles over there. You know, like there's usually our past. It's not about staying stuck in our past, but I like to do a life's journey with my clients to understand their life experience thus far.

So there's something that seems to be, you know, Terry Real, I heard works with couples, I heard him recently say, he said, "I don't believe that we overreact. I just believe that we're reacting from the past." So I thought that was a great way to put it. I absolutely agree. 

That said, getting to your question, I remember going through my training years ago and thinking, God, there's more to this than just your head stuff and how you're feeling in the moment. What about the body? What about what the body is telling us? What about the spirit? I'm not talking about religiosity, I'm talking about my own personal bias, which is that we're spiritual beings having a physical experience. So what about that? And I was gonna do my dissertation on, at the time, people's experience of their spiritual experience and it's connection to mental health.

And you would've thought I had five heads. They looked at me like, what are you talking about? I'm like, okay, this is not the time and place for this. But anyway, so when I became a more practiced therapist and I started doing my own thing, I started incorporating listening for someone's physical health experience. I'm not an MD, but I'm listening for, do they have somatic complaints? We check them out with an MD first. What is that? You know, what is your body telling you? Your nutritional lifestyle habits, your sleep quality, your stress management techniques you have at your fingertips, or lack thereof, your sensuality, sexuality.

You know, this is part of our human nature, so I'm listening to physical health. The holistic model is physical health, mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health. So I'm listening for physical, I'm listening for mental health. These are all the beliefs, perceptions and assumptions we have that are impacting an experience we're having.

And so often these thoughts and assumptions and judgments we have about ourselves and others aren't even true. They're just not right. And so being able to call it out and saying, that's not serving me. What can? And start practicing that more consciously until it becomes the new normal way of thinking. The lens you look out of in life. 

The emotional health piece, of course, is being able to experience everything under the rainbow and a safe and constructive, respectful to yourself in others' way, and having that and having the therapeutic ground to be a safe haven for that. And then of course, spiritual health, I don't impose it, but I listen to the extent to which someone's open or curious about other things at play besides what we can see, touch and feel in our physical world. There's also, I will say obviously relationship health, which is what we're talking about today, what we just talked through in terms of one scenario of people going through separation, divorce, there's financial health, right? There's home health, so there's other pieces. But the holistic model is taking the whole of a human into consideration and all the pieces of our life that are important to attend to. 

Claudia von Boeselager: That's really beautiful. I've never heard of that before, but it completely goes to sort of my way of working also with my clients around longevity and performance. And if people are like, I wanna have more energy, it's like, well, we need to get to the foundation first. And people, I think, mis interpret the importance of what's going on mentally as well, and belief systems and the mindsets. And, you know, if you spend your day beating yourself up with, criticizing yourself, then you're not gonna get to where you want to be.

So I love that you're able to really help people go through, those different areas to give that holistic approach to actually be at their best and to deal with often childhood limiting beliefs or whatever belief systems that are in place as well. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: That's exactly right. Yes. 

Claudia von Boeselager: One area you also help people with is finding love again in midlife. I think especially after speaking about consciously uncoupling and co-parenting, and then people might say, okay, well what's next? And how do I not make the same mistakes again? So can you talk a little more about finding love in midlife and what are some key strategies and recommendations that you have there?

Dr. Marcy Cole: Yes, for sure. I mean, I've most recently put a lot of attention into this area, inspired by just witnessing so many people, of course, because we have more divorce than ever, we also have more single population than ever. And we also have people that chose to never be married. And have never experienced that before. And so by choice or circumstance, we have a huge sect of our population as single. And I believe that not everyone, but most of us really have a primal desire to love and be loved. And so, witnessing that and wanting to call attention to that is something that I've been inspired to do.

And also because I've lived it myself. I've lived this story myself, Claudia, you know, I thought I was gonna get married, have children, and stay married like my parents. And my life did not go in that trajectory either. And so, I've had a series of beautiful love affairs. I've chosen to end each one, not because they weren't wonderful, but because I had to get to that courageous after working at it, right? Putting these practices in play, had to come to the courageous understanding that we have gone the distance as far as we can go on this front. 

But taking all the lessons learned with me and appreciating all of them, and my current partner feels like, you know, really when we say love of your life, we throw that around a lot, you know? But it really does feel that way to me. And so it inspired me to not only address this, that's so prevalent. It's such a prevalent desire for men and women, of course. And, you know, you find something wonderful, you wanna share it. So I'm actually merging my professional experience and working with singles and couples for years and my own personal experience. And so I was really kind of inspired to create a little bit of a formula, and one day I was sitting down with my guy and I'm like, how do we really find love again, that sets us up. What process can set us up? So I wrote an article for Maria Shriver and then I created an online class and that's sort of an evergreen experience now that's available for folks.

It's more focused for women, but the principles apply to men as well. And so I'll give you a little cheat sheet, but real, the love formula. So L stands for looking within. So the first two L, O, are internal, V, E, are external. So the first is looking within. And again, like we were talking about in the beginning of our conversation, we can't have any kind of meaningful experience with anyone, nor can we get to the other side of a difficult experience with someone until we are more fully centered, clear and embracing of the truth of who we are with compassion, forgiveness, ownership, pride, all of those things, right?

And so when you are ready for love, to what extent have you directed that love towards yourself in your life? To what extent are you treating yourself the way you wanna be treated? You know, all of these things to what extent are you still stuck in the past versus being really available for what today has to offer.

And there's so much more of course. This is just the cheat sheet. O stands for opening your heart. So let's say you're at the point, you're like, okay, I'm good. I'm good with myself. I feel ready, I feel worthy. I feel like I'm a, I'm a gift and I deserve to receive a beautiful relationship with someone that I love, that I admire, that I trust.

You start opening your heart. You start envisioning, we know from quantum physics, the power of your thought. The thought proceeds form the power of visioning, what our heart desires and believing that it can be so. So we start opening our heart into the kind of person we want to invite into our lives and the kind of relationship we wanna actually experience with that person.

And then we get on the relational field, we get out there. V stands for vetting and venturing out. So now that we know who we are, we know what we want. Then we start venturing out and we start meeting people and we start vetting according to what we have come to know about the truth of what we are worth and what we're looking for. And we trust that. 

The E is for, you know, and someday something happens and all of a sudden you meet someone and you're like, oh boy, I, I'm feeling my heart again. Wow. And you get really curious, really interested, and you feel this intuitive, visceral, primal connection. You feel hopeful and then you, you say, okay, I'm, I'm ready to do this exclusively and see where this goes.

And E is for embracing it fully, not holding back, going for it. That's the only way we really know if it has legs, if it has staying power. So that's a quick overview. There's a lot more to each of those of course. But that's my love formula. 

Claudia von Boeselager:I totally agree with starting internally. I think so many people skip over that step. They're like back out there and they've all this emotional trauma and another trauma. So I think that's such a clear and important step. 

I love what you said at the end is really embracing it. I think so many people are tiptoeing and like half in and cautious and, you know, making sure they can't commit. I was speaking to friends in New York and they're like, this is a disaster. No one actually commits to one relationship -everyone's playing the field and many partners at the same time. And I think, it takes trust and it takes, courage, I guess to say, okay, I'm gonna try my best to make this one work. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Well, I will say that, I think there's a balance there too, though. You know, there was, again, a book written many years ago that I loved it was, Soul Dating to Soul Mating. That was the title of the book. And one of the things the authors talked about was not jumping in exclusively overnight.

So I really believe, honestly, in slow and steady, in and out of the bedroom, slow and steady. So it's not about jumping into bed overnight and jumping into an exclusive relationship overnight. But it's also not about playing the field. So your attention is scattered all over the place all the time either.

Let's say somebody really deserves your attention, you're excited about it. You might just focus on it, but you don't have to label it as exclusive overnight either. And be like, you are my this, you know, you don't have to, but you can have that knowing that, yeah, I'm here and so are you.

And it feels that way and enjoy that and trust that until it's like, all right, we're clearly not interested in others and we're gonna see where this goes, right? 

Claudia von Boeselager: So once you have found love or potential love, right? What are some of your recommendations to make love last? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Hmm. Oh my gosh, so many. I have an ebook on my site that says, 10 tips to doing it right the first time or something, or, but it could be the third time. I don't have them memorized. But, um, okay, so how does it have staying power? Again, we're gonna be repetitive because it's real. 

We stay on our own lane because in the beginning it's so delicious and just so like, you just wanna let you feel like, oh my God, we're one. And, uh, but the truth is no you're not. And keep the things in your life that center you, that grounds you, that remind you of who you are. Don't abandon your practices, your self-care practices and your friends and, you know, you stay YOU. You stay curious. 

One of the things that happens over time with relationships is, you know how in the beginning we're like, oh, so tell me about this and tell me about that and what do you like this? And me too, and, you know, all of that. We forget to ask each other and reminding ourselves and each other that we're always evolving. Things are not stagnant. Who we met on the first date is not who we're with a year later or 10 years later. 

Who are you today? Boy, sweetheart. What are your desires here? What are your dreams? What are you thinking about? What are you envisioning? What are you challenged by? What are you afraid of? What are you excited about? Right? 

Staying curious about each other, anticipating and tolerating and accepting and embracing change, which is inevitable. You're not always gonna agree, you're not always gonna be on the same page and finding the middle ground, finding a way that's a win-win or a yes yes. Versus a, you're right, I'm wrong, I'm right, you're wrong- win lose scenario. That for sure does not work right. 

Remaining committed when things get tough. Now again, not every relationship is meant to go the distance, but if you have a strong foundation, you have a strong love for each other, remembering why you chose each other and incorporating, helpful strategies to get you through hard times.

And none of us are above that. None of us, including people in the mental health profession, we can detour, we can forget. We have to bring ourselves back and practice what we know to be true. You know, making that commitment to stay in the room, so to speak. That said, giving each other space for your own stuff, and you know, It's really healthy. And then you have more to bring back into the relational field. 

There's so much, obviously, I would also say reinforcement of your love and appreciation for each other. You can't even imagine, Claudia, how many couples that I've worked with through the years that have abandoned date night, like they've had kids and they're like, no, we haven't been, I don't know in the last time we were out.

Oh yeah, no. It's like, wait a second. And you think that you're gonna be a level of intimacy and growth and excitement about your relationship. That's how we start. We start by paying attention to each other and carving out time. So continuing to carve out those romantic surprises and re-romance each each other, not to forget to continue, you know, and the mystery and the surprise and the, you know, all of that.
All right, I'm gonna stop for now. But there's so much, right? There's so much that goes to continuing to develop a beautiful, lasting relationship. 

Claudia von Boeselager: These are beautiful, and I think a lot of people struggle with it. So everyone's going to be listening to this advice on ways to improve and to prolong love and make it last.

Another area you're passionate about is resilience, right? Can you explain why resilience is so important? Can you share your view on staying steady during turbulent times. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Yeah. I mean, listen, this is such a big topic also. Let me just talk about children. You know, my friend Robin, in her permission, a parent book, talks about the helicopter parenting now, you know, it used to be seen and not heard in grandparents' generation of children. And now it's like all about being on top of every need and every feeling. And while that's important, like we talked about the attunement to your children, indulging in constant attention to their needs all the time, communicates kind of a way of thinking and expecting that the world might revolve around them.

And that's why we end up with entitled kids who just don't know how to make room for others, empathize, and integrate their needs and other people's needs at the same time. So, resilience and children helping them realize you will get there. I know this is hard, honey. Walking through their fears, getting to the other side. We don't develop confidence because we just go, oh, I am a worthy, loving, capable, awesome human.

We develop confidence by, of course, those self-talk ways of communicating with ourselves, but also by doing and getting and having the experience and developing grit and learning the life lessons and going, not only did I survive that, but wow, look at who I am today and look at all I've learned and look at what I did, and I got through that I didn't think I could do and get through, right. 

Resilience in love, of course, everybody knows that on the way up is exhilarating, intoxicating, and on the way down is really heartbreaking and really hard on the body, the heart, the ruminating mind, the obsessive thinking that's happening.

But if we can stay steady and say, I'm gonna get through this and I'm gonna find my way to the other side. There's a sense of humility and grace and gratitude for that journey. And we realize, okay, if relationships are here for us to learn from, I got through it. I am through it, and now, you know, I'm back to me in a better version of me and more expanded understanding. And, okay then let's forge ahead onward.

When we went through the pandemic and the covid period, this particularly came up. People were asking me to talk about this and write about this more during that time, because everyone was so flipped out, scared- because there was such a level of uncertainty. And the number one coping strategy I would share consistently, which I think just applies to life in general for all of us, is, when we're going through turbulent times, or uncertainty, which is a part of life. Life isn't just a trajectory where it's straight up, it's wavy, right?

And we don't know what tomorrow will bring. We don't. But the number one strategy I try to remind myself of and I share with others is, stay here. Stay right here. Come back right here in the moment. Feel your feet on the floor. Feel your breath in your body. You are still here. God willing, healthy, healing, capable. Your mind is still strong. Your heart can break open again. And just to stay grounded in the present moment because tomorrow will take care of itself. And if we are grounded and stay in the present moment and take as good care of ourselves as we possibly can, and the people that we love- the rest will follow, and we can assume that all will be well. 

When you say all is well, it doesn't mean that every single morsel of your life is in perfect place. It means I'm still here. I still have my body and my health and my tomorrow all is well, and all will be well. Where we invest in our faith in the future. 

Claudia von Boeselager: That's so powerful. And I picked up on something like that in the past that I've used during difficult times as well. And it's that gratitude, the power of now, because thinking of the future brings anxiety, the past can bring depression. But in the current moment it's like, well, I'm alive, I'm breathing, and sometimes it gets to such a state. I'm like, what's the smallest thing I can be grateful for? Even if it's I woke up this morning and I got outta bed, like whatever it might be. And just starting at that basis of basics, really, really helps I think to shift sometimes anxiety, fear, trauma, turbulence that can happen in life. So, I really like that. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Yes. And Claudia, thank you for bringing up the concept of gratitude too. For sure, you know, when they talk about the vortex is the frequency of energy that we have when we are in a state of gratitude. Talk about lifting us up. They talk about working out and moving our body brings endorphins and oxytocin to the brain. Same with gratitude and going back to our original topic of co-parenting after divorce. And remember that dialectic, when our children are struggling, we first validate. I know, I know. It's not what you want, sweetheart. I know that going back to back and forth, it's sometimes not. I know that. 

Stay right there. Don't give him a butt too fast. And when you have a sense that they're ready, then you say, and just remember also how lucky we are to have each other, that even though I know you didn't want this, and this- You have two homes with two parents that love you.

You have a safe place to sleep, you have a yummy bed. You get to decorate your own space. You get to, we are still a family. Let's remember we have bodies that work. We're in it together. You know, let's be grateful for that also, boy, if children can learn to say, I feel this right now, and be with those feelings and also say, and when they're ready, I can also be happy for this right? And so as adults, we need to remind ourselves of the same thing for sure. 

Claudia von Boeselager: A hundred percent. It's so beautiful to be able to support children in expressing emotions and then giving them tools to remind them, like gratitude and let's find something to be grateful for, to shift focus. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: I mean, sometimes people skip over the validate part first, before they get to the, oh, you know, I remember my mom saying, well, honey, don't be sad. Don't be mad, don't be dead, da da da. Be this. And then you're like, you know, they're trying to help, but everyone needs to feel heard first, you know? And then we can find our way to higher ground always. 

Claudia von Boeselager: So I think that validation is a key component as well.

Let's talk about holistic health. Can you share more about your daily holistic health Self Tune-in, Tune-up? What exactly is this? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: So, first I will say that, the categories that I'm talking about to Tune-in, Tune- up, starts with literally the minute you open your eyes.

Most of the time we're like jumping outta bed and tending to your kids or tending to getting dressed for work or whatever. But how about saying good morning to ourselves? Good morning. Oh my gosh. Good morning... 

Claudia von Boeselager: True. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: ...thank you!
Linda Gray. You know, I produced these life enrichment events through this, amazing women's group called First Tuesday Global.

And we have these incredible bestselling authors and luminaries, teaching, sharing their wisdom. And Linda Gray was the famous actress on Dallas many years ago. She's magnificent inside and out. I think she's 80 now. It's incredible. She came to one of my wisdom of the ages one. I have different themes for, you're invited Claudia. It's now global because we're virtual. She said when I get up in the morning and my feet hit the ground, I say thank you. So it's good morning. Thank you. I have a friend who calls a toothbrush love where you're brushing your teeth and you're like, Hey, you know, Oprah even said once, I remember her saying, I'm just starting every morning now.
I'm saying, hi, sweetheart, in the mirror. 

Claudia von Boeselager: We forget that, right? We forget to acknowledge ourselves. Yeah. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Exactly. So, acknowledgement. Hello, gratitude for the day. Envisioning the day. I like to lie in bed and imagining, like today I woke up and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna meet Claudia for the first time.

I'd be in this conversation, who knows where will go. But we'll just be present with it and embrace it as a gift. And I like to use the visual of a gold ball of light. Which can help us stay in our own juices, stay steady in that gold ball of light, which I think the properties are unconditional love and vitality.

And also it allows for a boundary. We're in a world where there's so many energetic influences are happening all the time, whether it's in our home, in our social circle, in our neighborhood, in our schools, on the television, the news. Oh my God, there's so much.

We have this gold bubble of light, where we can be connected to others, but we don't have to internalize all of this. And then of course there's the practices in your daily life. There's- what are you gonna put in your body? What kind of nutrients, superfoods are you gonna feed your brain? How much water? You know, they say the number one reason for fatigue is hydration. What can I do? I will have two glasses of water at my sink in the morning. So I just jug two down immediately just to get two in me. 

And then of course, movement. Hello, movement, stretching. Five minutes. Five minutes of stretching. Breath work. You know, we do this with children, belly breaths where all the oxygen goes to the brain, and then we exhale slowly. Breathing techniques. Movement, cardio, getting our heart rate going, even if it's a 30 minute walk a day. I say to everybody, 30 minutes a day of walking, let's just start there.

I read an article I think recently about the number one treatment for depression is exercise even more than medication and therapy and whatever. I'm like, okay. I mean, it's a study, it's science-based, research-based of getting everything moving.
And then I would also say, again, the power of prayer, whatever that means to someone. Some people are not gonna resonate with that word, but if people do, having a moment of the connection with the divine, whatever, God of your understanding, whatever that means to you, to again, say thank you, to connect, to ask, listen. If, let's say we're tuning in and we're tuning into what our, our own intuition is telling us, but we're also asking the divine for support, for folks that, that resonates with. That's important. 

The tuning in and tuning up. I will also share this hot off the press, which is I've just, I mean, this is not an original idea, but it's just something that's come to me that I'm practicing more in my own life and sharing with others, Claudia, and that is that, when I'm faced with something, or when any of us are faced with a decision, an oppurtunity a choice. Where do we feel like we wanna go like this?

Like I'm honestly, I've been invited to a lot and are invited to podcasts and this, that, and the other. And I literally listen for my intuitive and for you, for whatever reason, I felt an automatic yes, or curiosity. So to listen where we go like this, whether it's a person, a relationship, an opportunity where we feel this and when we go, no, no thank you. Not because it's bad, not because it's dangerous necessarily, although, God forbid, sometimes it can be a sign of that. But more often it's just that it's just not the right time place situation for us in that moment.

So tuning in is listening to where we feel called to what resonates, what's visceral. And we have so many answers within. We really do. You know, I mean, people come to me, what do you think when you think, I'm like, well, okay, I'm gonna, I'll share stuff. I'll throw things against a whiteboard. We'll see what resonates. But ultimately, what do you think? What's coming to your mind? What's coming to your heart? What are you curious about? What are you feeling called to focus on? What's important to you? What gets you jazzed? What gets you excited? Listening. Follow the vitality. Listening for this. 

Claudia von Boeselager: I am a huge fan of what you're saying right now, and I've been trying to get much better at myself. It's having that self-love foundation and then it's trusting yourself again, listening to yourself, reconnecting, and gut instinct, your intuition, whatever somebody might like to call it.

But it's so powerful and as you said yourself, the body knows, like if we check in and be like, oh, what do I feel called to do? As Joseph Campbell says, follow your bliss. Like what excites you? Just go for it. It mightn't work out, but hey, you're enjoying it at least along the way instead of the over rational mind like, oh, that wouldn't make sense and it's not gonna work because of this.

And, you know, life is for living and just following your intuition and what feels right is really powerful too. So thank you for bringing that up. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Yes, for sure. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Entrepreneurial life. Can you share with my audience why you believe so much in living outside of the box and why it's so important?

Dr. Marcy Cole: Well, entrepreneurial life by definition is that you're on your own path and you don't have to clock in, you don't have to answer to, you don't have to listen to anyone but your own. Although if you're working in a team, obviously you wanna listen, you wanna be mutually a team of open forum of ideas and whatever, but you're following your own trajectory.

So by the nature of entrepreneurial life. We are living outta the box for the most part, although it's now more mainstream than it ever used to be, right. But living out of the box honestly, whether it's entrepreneurial life or relationship life or whatever, it's just about recognizing what box are we talking about Really?

Like, like where's their box? I was told by my parents. It's what I was told. Is it my peer group? Everyone's gainfully employed in corporate world and I'm not. You know, you should be married at this point and you should have children or not, or whatever it is. What box are we talking about?

It's just fiction. It's developed by humans that, is really, it's not relevant to you or to me. So the entrepreneurial life is finding our own way. Listening to, again, like what you just said about what excites us, what we're curious about, where we feel our natural gifts are, that we actually enjoy, what skills we'd like to learn and grow.

What services do we wanna offer the world, hopefully that have meaning and positive impact. I, I think it's pretty simple. Living out of the box and as an entrepreneur is obvious because that's what it is. It's getting to your own reality and living that. And also, I wrote an article, or I think it was Voyage LA that talked about risks.

It's like a concept of risk is also a human construct. What's the risk? That I start something and that it fails? I don't even believe in the word failure, it's feedback. Okay, so what did I learn and how can I take that with me? And the entrepreneurial life usually doesn't stay in the same box itself that we create.

It grows over time. It changes over time. You know, I'm also involved on the educational front doing professional development at schools, social emotional learning curriculum, offering support to parents and teachers. That wasn't part of my career path. It wasn't even, I still have my holistic psychotherapy practice, but that's a piece of what I'm doing now.

I never even saw that coming five years ago. The finding love again, class was just inspired in the last couple of years. So it's like we get to get curious, expanding, creating our own, I would say circle of what is alive within us that we wanna share, and keeping it open, as our life unfolds.

Claudia von Boeselager: Marcy, I'd like to ask you some rapid fire questions, if I may. So who would you consider the most successful person of all time and why? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Oh, geez. Oh man, Claudia, really, I'd have to change the question, if I may. I'm sorry, but I don't think there's one most successful person.

I think success is again, is a human construct. I mean, I'm just gonna go with whatever comes to mind because you call it, 'rapid fire,' which is not a surprise and would probably be shared by many. There's just so many extraordinary humans. But I was Oprah's first intern when I was a sophomore in college, when it wasn't even the Oprah show.

She just come to Chicago. Was AM Chicago. But, I remember the days where it was dictated what shows we were supposed to have on. Okay. And who she was supposed to interview, there was five of us in an office. That's it. Can you imagine? But watching her from afar now for many years just become who she is. And share her human vulnerability, and struggle, and triumphs, and wisdom.

You know? Now she's like a sage because she's walked the path with all of us as she changed the trajectory of television when people said, the ratings are gonna tank if you put personal development on. And she just followed what were you and I are talking about.

Followed that, she stayed attuned to herself. She followed her instincts, she followed her curiosity, she followed her passion, she followed her commitment. And it not only served her, but it served the world. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Marcy, do you have some particular daily or weekly routines and practices that you have to help you perform at your best every day?

Dr. Marcy Cole: We were talking about those Tune-in, Tune-up strategies daily. I try to incorporate that. I'm not always walking my talk every day, people, I'm just saying, you know, I gently try to bring myself back. But that envisioning thing in the morning is really, I would say, really something I've become more and more committed to.

It's really a powerful tune in and set up, you know, mindset and heart opening and commitment for the day. And if I forget because something gets a little funky, I just bring myself back to that vision at any time of the day. 

Also, I just kind of have an opening invitation to, again, the divine of my understanding of saying, use me in a way that will serve and with love and light and toward myself and others today.

You know, I sometimes add that in as often as I remember too, because that's a powerful commitment to myself, and I'm asking for divine support as well. 

Claudia von Boeselager: There's a hack or a trick that I heard that Hugh Jackman does with his coach, where he writes it down or commits to it in the past tense to almost rewire the neural pathway that it's actually been done. So, like I had a successful meeting with the new client today, so you write it in the morning in the past tense, and by virtue of just putting it in the past tense as if it's done, apparently it also triggers the manifestation all that much more. Have you heard about this? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: You know what? I haven't heard of it in past tense. I've heard of it in present tense. You know, it's like I am receiving love from my partner in a way that feels full and beautiful and loving and respectful and juicy today. Before it even happens, but in the present tense. I haven't heard it in past. That's interesting.

I have to think over that. Instead of putting it into future, I want this. Please give me this. It's like, I have this, it's happening in the here and now in the quantum field. Like they talk about, I'm not an expert in this, but if you listen to Joe Dispenza or some of these amazing teachers, they talk about how, the whatever universal forces here, whatever we're saying, it's like a tuning fork.
It's now, it's now it's happening. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Do you have a favorite quote or piece of advice, Marcy, that has been a real game changer for you? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Once again, so many, Shakespeare's "to thine own self be true." I love my sister and I both are fans of that. I just feel like at the end of the day, that's it, right?

We come in through a womb and we're in this social construct within our families communities, but ultimately we're on our own journey. And, the truth, to thine own self be true, which connects to the truth sets you free quote, right. Which is connected to that. And I will add one more I'm cheating, I know, but I'm just expanding it, if I may, just to share what's coming to my own mind and heart with you, Claudia and everyone listening, which is that at the, the Goethe quote, "at the point of commitment, the universe conspires to assist." So once we're in our truth and we commit to that truth, then we have these forces that like, it's like, I don't know if you've experienced this, I've certainly experienced- everything starts to be in flow.

You start meeting the people that you're meant to meet and your at the right place, at the right time. And like, because you were centered in your truth enough to have an opening. So we can find you. 

Claudia von Boeselager: What has been the biggest challenge you've faced in the last five years, and how did you overcome it?

Dr. Marcy Cole: I was very spared in terms of people that are dear to me, losing people in terms of their passing. but then I knew that avalanche was coming because it was just inevitable. No one gets a pass. We're all mere mortals and we're all gonna, if we love, we have to suffer loss.

That's just part of the life experience, right. So in 2021, both my parents passed within 11 weeks of each other. But it's, it's okay. And when you say, how did you get through it? I will, I will share this about grief. I thought my whole adult life, I was a pretty high functioning human with my stuff like we all have.

But the one thing that I felt was my, achilles heel was this anticipatory grief about my parents dying all through my adult life. And it would take away part of the joy, it would take away part of the moment. And it wasn't even like I was going to them for sage advice, although sometimes they would come up with great stuff, but it was just this incredible, powerful bond we have had with each other.

And I'll tell you, the way I coped with it was a way I never imagined it would be so, which is that, what I thought would be debilitating was actually freeing. The way I can explain it is that I focused on the gratitude. I focused on the gratitude from them living an amazing life, them having an epic love affair, them having a love affair with me and me with them.

There was nothing left unsaid and I believe in the unseen. So because of my own spiritual faith beliefs, it helped me. You know, or hang my hat on the faith that things are not over when they, it seems that they're over that in fact their spirit is still very present. They just change form. Their body's gone. Their spirit's still here, and I still feel their presence with me. And so now I'm working with people sometimes on the grief plane because it's a part of life. We all go through it at some point. When you say what's been the most challenging, it's the thing that I thought would be the most challenging, but I just experienced it in a way that was kind of awe shocking and inspiring to me actually.

Claudia von Boeselager: Beautiful. Yeah, because I mean, other people can spend years and years in the trauma, but again, you said going back into the gratitude and looking for the good in the situation, and yeah, I think that's really special. So thank you for sharing that. 

What advice would you say, when starting off on the journey of looking for love? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Honestly, I'm not saying this as a shameless plug here, but the evergreen finding love again link is much relevant for a 20 year old as it is for a 50 year old. It truly is. When we talked about the love formula, it's looking within, remembering who you are, making sure that you get a sense of who you are, even though you're growing, growing, growing, and evolving, but having, you know, pride in who you are, remembering that you're a unique being and that you're here for a reason and that you're worthy of loving and being loved and imagining what you want, regardless of role modeling, you know, regardless of what happened with your parents, your friends or whatever, just tuning into your own heart about what you desire in a human being. What's a value to you? How do you wanna feel in the presence of someone? And then getting out there and just keeping that in mind and having fun and exploring and, you know, not taking the dating thing too seriously.

I mean, meaning it's serious enough to be true to yourself and remain true to yourself. But have fun with that. Like, enjoy, like, and, and meeting people is a beautiful thing. Go out and go be like, Hey, I'm, I'm Claudia. Who are you? You know, like just lighthearted. You never know who that person can be. They can become a dear friend. They might be a contact to something else. They might be your next love. They might be your love in 10 years and, or they might just be someone passing through that you just have a lovely coffee with, or you learn from, or you say, no thanks. No, no, no. You learn from, and you go, no, I don't. I don't want that. You know, like that's not, you know, when it's not as pleasant. So it's all, again, nothing's fornot. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Marcy, where can people learn more about what you're up to? Can you share your website again? Your social media handles, and we'll obviously link everything in the show notes.

Dr. Marcy Cole: Of course. I'm, admittingly, my websites are very outdated and I am working on developing one, not two or three, which will come out in a couple of months, but for now, for the Dr. Cole stuff, they can go to, d r m a r c y c o l Email is For the women's group, it's a free space on Facebook, a private group that's over 400 people right now.

It's called First Tuesday Global Member Forum on Facebook. If you're a woman around the world and you wanna stay connected to more women and also know about our life enrichment virtual events that are extraordinary. Actually, I'm, I'm just saying it's been going on for 20 years. They're really amazing. You can just request access.

And the Finding Love Again course you can email- and just request that link. And of course, Instagram, I believe it's @Cole.Marcy.
Facebook, it's Dr. Marcy Cole. There's the Dr. Marcy Cole page. There's also a Marcy Cole personal page, which basically has everything, and there's also a First Tuesday Global Instagram page as well. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Perfect, we'll link all of those in the show notes for people listening. 
Marcy, do you have any final ask, recommendation or any parting thoughts or piece of advice for my audience? 

Dr. Marcy Cole: I would just say to everyone listening to just stay in your lane. Try not to look to your right or left to see what someone else is doing or what you should be doing or feeling or wanting. Just again, the theme I think of so much of what we talked about today is staying true to yourself.

Whether you're walking through a painful transition and a relationship, whether you're looking for the kind of work that's going to stimulate you and serve others, whether you are, thinking about how you wanna go through your day. You know, just staying in your lane, staying in your body, feeling your presence, and remembering what a treasure your presence is.

Claudia von Boeselager: Thank you so much for coming on today and sharing your wisdom and all the work that you are doing as well and making people happier, finding love, maintaining love. Thank you very much. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Thank you Claudia. It was a pleasure and privilege. Thank you so much, honey, and hopefully the journey will continue.
I'm coming to London soon, so I'll reach out. 

Claudia von Boeselager: I would love that to connect then as well. Thank you, Marcy. 

Dr. Marcy Cole: Thank you so much.

I’m Claudia von Boeselager

Longevity Coach, detail-loving educator, big-thinking entrepreneur, podcaster, mama, passionate adventurer, and health optimization activist here to help people transform their lives, and reach their highest potential! All rolled into one.

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