Claudia von Boeselager: Welcome to another episode of the Longevity & Lifestyle Podcast. I'm your host, Claudia von Boeselager, here to uncover the groundbreaking strategies, tools, and practices from the world's pioneering experts to help you live at your best and reach your highest potential. And if you're looking for the perfect gift for the ones you love, make sure to check out my ultimate gift guide by going to LLGiftGuide.com.

Today's guest is Olga Kaplan, a dear friend, and also a life and relationship coach, an integrative nutrition health coach. Olga has dedicated her life to personal growth and healing, and is passionate about serving others, sharing her expansive knowledge and experience to bring change into people's lives and relationships.

Welcome Olga. It's such a pleasure to have you on. 

Olga Kaplan: Thank you so much for having me. It's an honor to be here with you. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Thank you. 

So I'm really excited to dig into all things relationships. I think many, many people struggle with this and even people who seem to be in perfect relationships work hard at it.

So I think it's such an important topic and I'm really excited to dig in today. And I'd like to start with relationships and the lack of education many of us have around how to have successful relationships. 
Why is that?

Olga Kaplan: Great question, Claudia, and this is what's happening. We are supposed to know somehow how to relate because we are supposed to have relationships.

We want to fall in love, we want to get together with a partner. And at the same time, what kind of education do we have or what kind of role models do we have? Probably none. Right? You are lucky if you had your parents who were madely in love and they continued to be passionate about each other for many, many years.
But these lucky ones are very few, and what we are left with - basically none of the tools that we really need to build a successful relationship and falling in love might sound easy, and this is not enough to sustain. I love how Esther Perel famous relationship therapist says there is a love story and there is a life story.

If there is a difference, you can have a love story with somebody and a life story takes completely different skills and commitment. So what do you want to create? And I'm sure we all want passionate, long term, beautiful companionship relationship with the partner where we are deeply connected and we build this life together.

And what kind of tools do we need?

Claudia von Boeselager: Exactly. 

And we're gonna dig into a few of those, but maybe to share with my audience if you're happy to do so, Olga, a little bit about why you are so passionate about helping your clients with everything around relationship. Where did this interest come from? 

Olga Kaplan: Great question.

When I started getting into the field of integrated nutrition, because I was very passionate about my body, how the body works, about the weight and the body image issues. All of this, and this is what I discovered how we feel and how we look. This is not just about diet and exercise, everything takes place and makes an impact on your health and especially your relationships. So you cannot be healthy without having a healthy relationship. You can be actually gaining weight because your body is in an inflammation state because you are in a toxic relationship. And you can go to the gym for four hours a day and nothing will shift unless you address the issues in your relationships.

So once I discovered that, it was like a light bulb of 'Oh my goodness, this is how it works'. So my relationship is actually influencing everything that's going on with my body, with my health, with my life. And if I don't do the work, nothing will shift. So this created another passionate adventure on figuring out everything that I never learned before, how to be in a relationship, what tools to use.

And by that time I was already married for 13 years and divorced, and I still didn't know the tools. So this became a very interesting journey for me to uncover my own limiting beliefs, and blocks, and misconceptions, and rewrite the whole story, how I relate, and what's needed to relate and what is needed to create the intimacy with another person, because I thought it's all about falling in love and having fun and well.

Didn't work out. 

Claudia von Boeselager: There's so many interesting pieces in there that I'd love to dig into. So starting with rewriting that narrative, I think that's really interesting. So what is the process that you work with your clients with or what you recommend in terms of even just doing a check-in, like what is actually happening, what is true?

Speaking with a lot of people and you know from my relationship experience as well, that we tend to ignore things that aren't going very well until it's almost too late. Right? What is a healthy time and a healthy way for people to check-in in their relationships?

And then what is that sort of blueprint or that protocol? What are the steps that you recommend? In order to help people become more conscious of the relationship they're in, in order to rewrite that story, to create that more beautiful one before we look at the tools than after. 

Olga Kaplan: Yes. When a couple comes to me for coaching, for relationship coaching, I always ask them, what's your vision?

What's your vision for your relationship? Mm-hmm. And many of them, most of them are stunned. They've never been asked that question before, and what they observe around them is like everybody is in a relationship because they want to raise kids and pay the mortgage. But this is not about that. So I'm asking them to dig deeper.

What is their vision? Where do they see each other? Where do they see themselves individually? Where do they see each other in five years, in 10 years? What is the ultimate vision for this relationship? And they have to start having conversations. And there are different areas which need to be discussed before you even get into relationship, like money and sex and children and religion and adventure and fun.

Like what is your vision of this? What is my vision? Because there are two people that come together from absolutely different backgrounds, right? Even though they are in the same race and the same religion still, they were raised in different families with different patterns, so they come together with different baggages and they start fighting about little things that are not really important, but to them, this is like a piece of them is being taken away or compromised because they don't really understand, like what the true values are that they have in relationships. So going back, what are your values? What's important for you? It's not about the dishes when we fight, it's about usually feeling disconnected from the partner and we want to go back to connection.

Claudia von Boeselager: So getting clarity on the vision and the values as well is just an essential first step and then looking at some of the tools. So once they say, okay, this is the alignment and the understanding is then there, what would you say is the next sort of step into bringing people closer together? Especially if they've been in a 13 year marriage or relationship or whatever it might be or people who are in long term relationships, sometimes they feel like the spark is gone a bit, right?

Olga Kaplan: Yes. Oh, this is an interesting conversation because even our societal idea about sex, either it's sex is something bad or dirty. If you had any religious background and that dogma brainwashed into you, or even if you are not brainwashed by religion, it's still something taboo and not really spoken about.

And how do you get education? So either you get some kind of ideas from porn or I don't even know where, but not from legitimate sources. Nobody goes to school to study sex except for sex educators. And nobody goes to sex workshop to figure out and even to admit to yourself, I have no clue and especially for men it's like taking that power away. It might feel so, wow, I have no idea. This is how I do sex and this is what I saw in some kind of porn movie, and I don't know other ways. So my teachings and when I work with clients, I bring them back to themselves, to their body, to being mindful and bringing back this slow process of building intimacy because sex many times is confused with intimacy, but it's just a tiny part of it. Everything builds up to this point, and many times we're not just ready to have sex because sex doesn't replace intimacy if you don't have intimacy, if you don't have connection. Actually it could be detrimental and traumatizing if it's not done right.

Intimacy happens in all these tiny moments. When you feel close to somebody, when you feel held, when you feel understood, when you feel listened to those moments. When you are now, for example, if we are in a relationship, we sit and we'll listen to each other. We are being present with each other.

Even eye gazing, those simple acts of being with somebody for several minutes and just not talking and looking into each other's eyes, it's like looking deep into the soul of your partner. Not many people experience that. And I'm always surprised when people in a long term relationship and when they come to me and they had a lot of good things going on for them.

And when I asked them to sit in front of each other, And start breathing together, like synchronizing their breath and looking into each other's eyes without talking. Just being present with each other that freaks them out. Sometimes this depth of intimate connection this way is painful, because this is not something that I used to. It's like being naked in front of somebody, even though you are not naked. You just look into each other's eyes and that creates this feeling of 'whoa, something deep is happening, like they can see into me'. 

Claudia von Boeselager: So things that they were maybe hiding or not addressing just come to light and that is, yeah, I think that's a beautiful analogy. It's almost like they're naked, right? So like you can't hide all those things or look away. Even doing that, how long do you recommend people practice that exercise?

Olga Kaplan: Yeah, you can start with probably two, three minutes. Start slow, start small.

So it could be consistent practice, because if we look at the, like a regular day, right? People go to work and then they spend themselves at work, and then when they come back home, the relationship and this connection for the union, for the partnership gets leftovers, right? Unless you start building a different scenario, so when you come home, you take some time for yourself, especially for women.

We are so much trained in to be in our masculine. And it's great to have things done at work, to have ideas and everything, but when we come home and we want to be with the masculine partner at home, we have to take off the lady boss hat, right? And feminine without going into any esoteric explanations, feminine is being in the body, being connected.

That simple. And getting back into the body- that's through movement, through mindfulness. So once you're in the body, once your partner had some kind of ritual. Men usually like to come home and be left alone for sometime. They have to brush this off. And then when you come together, You start slow and you connect where each partner is at.

A great exercise also to sit next to your partner and put one hand on their heart and one hand on their back, and just let your partner breathe and you stay with them. This way, it's most likely you are getting a transmission, what their nervous system state is, right? When they're breathing, without words, because deep down we are still animal and we read a lot of science and we read the body language, we read the breath, we read everything. So you sit with the partner, let them breathe, and you just be with them. And then your partner does the same to you. Without unloading all these things that's been happening at work, which probably not very interesting.

They already have an idea what's going on with you. Or maybe, one partner can sit in front of the partner and the partner behind can hold them and again, breathe in together. So that creates a safe environment for the nervous system to go into parasympathetic mode, right? I'm safe. I can exhale.

I don't need to be chased by a tiger. I don't need to run for my life. Ha. I can relax. Only from this place of safety, connection is possible, or any continuation into any play is possible because you cannot be playful if you are not feeling safe, right? First Survival comes first.

Once your survival needs are met, then you are able to ha, relax, shake it off, and then go at play. So it's important to know how to be with your partner and how to be with yourself even, and check in. What's going on?

Claudia von Boeselager: and, you know, find a good way to decompress from the day that's not just about offloading issues.
And then, you know, going down the rabbit hole of, well, this colleague said this and da da da. And then you're getting into that sort of stress state quickly, and bringing that indoors. So I think that was, that sounds really beautiful, that exercise as well. Would you say that there's a difference for men and women, or is this connection and sort of calming down the nervous system essential for both men and women to do together?


Olga Kaplan: Yes. It's essential for both of them to do together. However, we are still product of the conditioning and men value sex because they have not tasted this deep connected emotional state. Right? Because they didn't have role models, not their fault, or they've been told boys don't cry.

Suck it up and don't show your emotions. When men discover this kind of feeling of being connected, often they cry for the first time where whoa, this is what's possible and I haven't even thought that this kind of experience could be in my life. It's interesting that men usually want sex to feel connection, and women want to feel connected first, and then they open up to sex.

So both partners want connection. They just addition to get there differently. And many men can complain about, oh, my wife or my partner doesn't open herself up, doesn't, doesn't want sex or tries to avoid sex because she doesn't feel safe. She doesn't feel hurt. She doesn't feel held, so rushing into sex is not gonna solve this problem.

So being there and creating this connection, and then energy opens up. Remember, our sexual energy is life force energy, so if anything is blocked, everything is not functioning to the full capacity and full potential. Take sex on the back burner, I would say, and build the skills that create this kind of feeling of closeness.

Like regular day to day life, for example, you can express appreciation for your partner or you can give affection because what's happening, we are trying to withhold affection, thinking that affection is only for the sexual part of life or for the immediate foreplay. And I would say that the best foreplay starts at the end of your last orgasm.

Be affectionate every affection moment doesn't need to go into sexual activity. It could be just playful and simmering, right? Like simmering these sexual enogen between the partners and massaging the shoulders or given a hug and not just a short hug, 22nd hug. This is when healing energies kick in and you really get something out of it.

Also, six second kiss. We are even afraid to kiss because we think that we don't have time for sex. We don't have time to go into this whole thing. No, it doesn't need to lead anywhere. It's this present moment with your partner and breathing together. So find those glimmers of connection of affection throughout the day.

Then getting, to this sexual activity at night will be so much easier and what's happening in our world without these tools that we try to go from zero, where both of us are cold and not connected at all into a hundred in no time and it's not working. So maintaining this simmer between partners and also if anything is in the way of that simmer, it means something hasn't been expressed, because the energy, it flows freely unless something blocks it, unless there is something that hasn't been discussed, hasn't been brought up to the light, or there's some kind of shame or some secret or something. It grows bigger in the darkness. Once it's shared and brought up to the light, it loses its power.

So being able to communicate and being able to express emotionally, whatever's going on with you, with your partner, and let them hold space they don't need to fix you. Make an agreement with your partner. If I'm going through something, let me vent, let me share. And you don't need to fix it. You just need to be here because when I'm going in this deep vulnerable state, I want to know that my partner will be here for me.

He or she is not gonna run away. I'm safe here. I'm safe in this partnership, and I'm safe in this container. And then whatever needs to be healed can be healed. On the flip side, if you are not feeling secure in your relationship, if you cannot share vulnerably, if you are always thinking about will they leave, will they stay?

 If I am too much, if I go into my fullest expression of emotion will be, they be able to handle it. And that creates this insecurity and lack of trust and from lack of trust, you cannot be in your feminine. 

Claudia von Boeselager: And kills the relationship at some point probably or a loving relationship, let's say. Particular time that you advise your clients to have certain conversations in order not to make it the continuous, every time we meet and she's complaining, or he's complaining or the sort of typical things that we hear.

Do you recommend for a one weekly time slot to then talk about certain things or what? What do you see as being the most effective way for people to communicate more vulnerable, personal things? 

Olga Kaplan: I would recommend having two kind of meetings weekly. One meeting is the chores and the logistics and the kids and the bills and whatever needs to be addressed, right?

But this meeting is not about the health of the relationship and there absolutely needs to be a different kind of meeting at least once a week this day, to be the union meeting, because there is one partner, there is the other partner, and there is third part the relationship. So getting together just to see what's going on with them.

What's happening, like what they would like to have more of, what they would like to address. The same as in any leadership meeting, right? What works, what doesn't work? What's in the gap? What's our plan? What's our vision? And as unsexy as it sounds, schedule your sex dates.

You schedule your tax appointment, you schedule your dentist, you schedule everything. And somehow people don't think that schedule and sex meetings or sex? Sex rendezvous I would say they think that this is unsexy. No, this puts it in the calendar and creates space and time for it to happen because if you are thinking that sex will magically, spontaneously happen, probably it's not gonna happen if you're a long term relationship.

It'll happen in the first months of courtship when everybody is infatuated and filled with feel good hormones and in a long term relationship, you gotta schedule that. So it's your responsibility as a partner to pay attention and to work on this. And then it's like a muscle, it gets easier.
And it gets more fun. 

Claudia von Boeselager: More fun as well. Speaking of more fun, you are also an expert on the ancient tantric practices for modern day love. How to keep passion, intimacy, and connection alive. Can you explain, for many people, I think most people have heard the word tantra, but don't really understand exactly what it is.
So what is, can you unveil the mystery of tantra for us. 

Olga Kaplan: Tantra is an ancient Indian practice that dates back probably 5,000 years ago and in Sanskrit the word tantra means weaving together. And what it means, weaving together both physical and spiritual and sexual part of tantric or tantric love part, right?

This aspect of tantra, I would say this is the art of conscious loving. The art of being present with your partner, the art of mindfulness, connection and sensuality and celebration of your body and your pleasure. And when all of this comes together. , this is a beautiful tantric love practice.


And I would say being mindful and being present like in a meditation. This is part of tantric practice too. 

Claudia von Boeselager: So societal and cultural conditioning. You were mentioning before also as well, that it can stand in the way of love and these are conditionings that go so deep from childhood, from birth, from your family and friends and the people you spend around all the time.

What is a way to check in, to see what's working, what's not?

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Olga Kaplan: What's going on in society and how we are prime to be always on right to be busy, to be multitasking, to be goal oriented. And all of this actually. Not good for the practice of conscious loving, so you gotta leave that at the door of your office and bring home and bring with you the skill of being open, being present, being slow, and being curious.

You and your partner, each moment, each day, there is something new. And if you treat your partner the same and assume that they're the same person as they were a week ago, you are doing them a disservice and you're doing yourself a disservice. So being this childlike or and wonder, right? Hi, who are you?

Tell me what's going on. What's new? And I would say practice with little things. Even when you eat right, you have your food. So look at your food. Take a moment before you even attack your food. Take a moment of whoa thing, and a moment of gratitude and a moment of presence. And another good exercise I give to women.

Take a fruit, like a strawberry or a raisin and before you even put in your mouth, just look at it, smell it, and imagine what the taste would be like. So these kind of exercises create a practice of mindfulness where everything is being noticed and your body is relaxed and your body can take this curious observation of everything, like what could be and the ability to have those sensory attributes of anything just grows when you have this practice.

So all of a sudden your world becomes richer and more colorful and more central because you slow down, you get curious, and you open yourself up to all these beautiful things that are already happening. But they were not happening for you because you were too busy and too fast to even be present for them.

And the same way you bring those practices in your relationship, looking at your partner with admiration or telling them how much you appreciate them, not when they do some kind of grand gesture. Even like, I love when you sit close to me and hold my hand. It makes me feel safe and saying those things out loud, those tiny things, tiny gifts of appreciation, and let it become your norm.

Claudia von Boeselager: So powerful. Then I love all these tips and advice. So some people listening, they might be healing from a traumatic ex relationship experience, right? And they might be cautious about going into the next one.

What advice would you have for people that are in that boat, if you will, and they're cautious about bringing previous relationship baggage into the next one? What type of healing work do you reccommend? 

Olga Kaplan: I would absolutely recommend to work with a therapist and also somatic therapist to release everything that's been stored in the body and also work through the patterns and the baggage so you do not bring it to the next relationship.

Take some time to even get to know yourself. And I would say absolutely work with a professional to help you with this process. Many times we jump into relationship and it doesn't work, and then we feel like we have a failure or the relationship is a failure. No, that was an experience. Even release that notion of failure.

That was an experience and that was a teacher. And if you are present and willing and get responsibility for your part of getting into this relationship. Nobody's condoning what happened to you. I know, like I went through abusive relationship and some of my clients went through that too. Yes, that was bad.

And this is me now, and I take full responsibility because I chose that relationship. So what can I do now? I'm responsible for my healing, so whatever brought me to that relationship doesn't happen again. So I do not repeat the same mistakes again. And looking at a at your baggage and all comes from childhood.

Looking at your parents, looking where the drama or cares in your household became a home feeling to you. I know I chose my first husband because whatever's going on with all the loud noises and violence felt familiar. Also knowing about the attraction and the infatuation, and you probably heard this expression of trauma bond. If there is this feeling of insane attraction of butterflies in your stomach, or we are all looking for that and usually this is an indicator of some kind of traumatic bond that you are feeling, and usually this is not a sign that this could be your good partner.

It's interesting to look at it and to see what's going on and when you are choosing the next partner, be self aware and know your patterns and rewire, even who we attracted to. Many women say 'Oh, but I'm not attracted to this. He's stable, he's good, but I have no sexual chemistry.' Because you are wired to have sexual chemistry with dysfunction, right?

This turns you on and secure, stable, and committed does not turn you on. So even rewiring your libido. 

Claudia von Boeselager: How long or what are some of the tools and how long does it take, do you think? For some people, because I know a lot that they say ' I always go for the same type.'

So they always go and look back again, and this always happens to me. Right. We hear this as well, male and female actually.

What does that healing process look like, that rewiring process looked like, and how quickly, if you will, can it be done in order to help people who are in that healing phase?

Olga Kaplan: I would always recommend start building intimacy with everybody around you. I'm not saying about sexual intimacy, I'm saying about connection and intimacy. Let every relationship in your life be deep.

 Those relationships that are close to you. So with your friend practice intimacy, practice communication, practice being present, and when you go on date, when you are back into opening yourself up to it. Be slow. Be absolutely slow. And in this process, maybe still have a therapist or a coach on a standby where you can all like process what's going on with you because you want to get to know the person and you want to know your values and their values. If you want a love story, it's easy. If you want to have infatuation for a couple of months, it's simple, and if you want to create a life story, it takes some time.

I do not give a time frame. It's all individual, and also there is divine grace that takes place. It's being committed to yourself, to your values, and sharing a little by little, opening yourself up, learning how to, and also looking at the people that are drawn to you and see what's working, what's not working, what do you have agreement with and what you agree not to do anymore.

It's a process. And it's good to have somebody to talk it through it if a coach or a therapist. 

Claudia von Boeselager: And believe in love. And I think especially for people who struggle to speak about emotions. I came from a home where my mother was the eternal optimist and everything, tomorrow's a new day and my father never talked about things, so I had to learn that in the process as well to actually that it's okay to talk about emotions as well and feel safe, right? As you put it in that regard. And Olga, I'd love to ask you terms of self-love. What role and what priority would you say does self-love have in this intimacy, but also in healing and relationship process for people?

Olga Kaplan: It's an absolute must. And I do not agree with the notion that you have to love yourself fully and heal everything before you go into another relationship. No, I wouldn't say this way. I would say you can work on yourself and be in a relationship too. It all depends. And self love is knowing and loving all parts of yourself and doing this deep shadow work too.

So whatever shame that was binding you and preventing you from being fully expressed, doing that work and giving yourself grace make mistakes and be failure, like taking risks. It's all good. It's all part of growing. So not being so hard on yourself and we can talk about bubble beds and massages and trips and adventures and it's pretty simple and easy and probably everybody understands that, but being intimate with yourself and giving yourself love and self soothing when you need it. Like being your best advocate and your best friend and your best cheerleader, and your parent too. It's also the inner child work when we go back and give that little girl, this little boy the love that they needed and they couldn't have grown.

That's important, knowing I've got you. I love you. I've got you. I'm here with you forever. I'm gonna hold you right here and we can do it. We can open our heart and we can be in love again. And it's okay having this kind of sweet, soothing love inside of you. Yes. Being soft and being loving. That's beautiful.

Claudia von Boeselager: I'll go for people in relationships where they feel like should I stay? Should I go? There's no passion anymore. It's just so mechanical, such a routine. What are some of your favorite strategies? We talked about a few before, but for people listening that are looking for a few tips on this, what are some of your favorite strategies for bringing the passion back in the short term, but also in the longer term as well?

Olga Kaplan: First, start the conversation. And about Should I stay? Should I go? I truly believe that you get, unless we speak about abuse or violence or affairs, so that you really have to go to a professional right away, and whereas just kinda 'Meh' then start the conversation. Express what you would like and ask your partner what they would like and really start working and leave no stones and turn, because when you've done all the work, when you've done everything possible, then you will be absolutely clear.

If this is not the relationship, this is not a partner for you. But if you don't do the work, then you bring everything to the next relationship. So I would say, okay, you have a partner, you have this relationship, but you never had this conversation. So start the conversation and not with threatening tone.

 You are wondering, and this is what you would like to explore and maybe talk about the vision. What are we doing? Like where do you see us in five years or what kind of fun can bring back the unice? Remember when you started dating, everything was an adventure. Every experience was different and you were getting to know each other, and now many years later, you might think that you know each other, but you have, you don't know because you haven't been sharing vulnerably because you cannot stay stagnant.

All these years we changed, we never discussed it, and we assumed that this is the same person that I married 20 years ago. He's still the same or she's still the same. Get curious. Get curious and start those conversations and take a relationship workshop together. Take a tantric workshop together.

Start exploring. You have all the world of possibilities. You just never tapped into them. Taking it slow and taking it like experience after experience, conversation after conversation and see where it's gonna bring you. Not talking about it and not bringing up all these desires.

That's what's gonna create more stress and actual resentment. And if you start expressing, then it's gonna open many doors. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Such a great place to start. You mentioned before the sexual energy is the life force energy of them. How can one harness that for different areas of life? What do you recommend to clients?

Olga Kaplan: I would recommend absolutely. Having, practices to breed sexual energy alive and whatever blocks or whatever shame you have around sexuality, also hire a therapist or a coach to deal with that. Cause what's happening, we are whole beings, right? And sex, our sexuality, this is an integral part of us.

So in this case, all the religious dogma or societal taboo, everything has to fade away because we came from sex. Even when I look at my cute puppy, she came from sex. This cute kitten. They came from sex, everything. If they weren't for sex, nothing would existed, right? So acknowledging this fact that sex is good, sex is part of life and the sexual energy is life force energy. For example, when you learned how to meditate, when I learned how to meditate, I realized, oh my God, I have this orgasmic energy just flowing through me at all times. I never tap into it to feel it. And now that I've been meditating for probably 15 years, I can tap it to that at any moment.

So start being present with your body, with your breath. And start meditating even for three, four minutes each morning or each night. Start somewhere. Start small and you can do this exercise. Take a deep breath, inhale. And then on the exhale, squeeze your PC muscles and, you can probably know them as kegel exercises, but this is a little bit different.

This is from do tantric practice, so inhale, and then on the you can hold that squeeze for probably 10 seconds and then do a couple of rounds on that and then add, as you are visualizing the energy going from your lower back, upper on your spine to the crown of your head. And then on the exhale, let it go down on the front of your body, through your face or your chest and then like it's being stored below the naval area, there's a spot, it's the energy spot. Do a couple of those rounds. It's called microcosmic Orbit. A couple of those rounds, and all of a sudden you will feel this turn on. So inhale and exhale, squeeze hold, and then again, inhale.

Exhale, squeeze and hold. Start doing those kind of exercises to awaken this energy. So let it start bubbling up. And then you will see that everything in your life, all of a sudden feels better. Feels more exciting. I would compare it maybe, you, if you drink coffee, maybe that first cup of coffee in the morning, like, whew.

I'm on fire, I can do anything. So you don't need coffee, you just need more sexual energy running through you, like on like more volume. So start doing this, start doing that. So circulate that energy and you can be at the meeting and probably do something like that and squeeze and nobody will know, but all of a sudden it's this warmth is spreading through your body and giving you those beautiful tingles and sensations. So anything that gets you out of numbness. Deep breaths, movement, any dancing. Start dancing. And then after vigorous dancing, probably for five, 10 minutes, you can slow and you can put one hand on your heart, one hand on your belly, close your eyes and feel all these beautiful sensations.

So this is the light horse energy. It's all part of it. It's always in you circulating. You just get to be present to feel it. And with a partner, start building those, tantric practices like eye gazing or synchronizing breathing or just holding each other so little by little. This, you will have a whole toolbox. Connection will come as a beautiful side effect of having those practices and then when you go into the sexual intimacy, this is so important to know that orgasm is not the goal. Connection is the process, is be present, be slow. I would even say take all these orgasm and put them somewhere on a far shelf.

Right? Take these goal oriented mentality out of your sex life. Bring connection in. Do we feel close? What's going on? Does it feel good? And also have conversations about sex, and I would say have them outside of the bedroom. It's less threatening. Oh, I want to try this or I want to try this, or maybe this, or maybe like this position, this boy or whatever else, or this fantasy.

It's okay to share fantasies with your partner. It's like you, you sharing every, like the naked, the deep, the most truthful you that nobody else sees. And that's why you have this intimate partner. So if you are not sharing it with. What's the point exactly? You want to be shared fully and you want to lose yourself into this French say 'Le petit amour' -the little death as a word for the orgasm. So in that moment, it's like flying off to the galaxies and somewhere where there is no mind, there is no nothing. There is just this moment and state of bliss and you want more of this in your life. So take it slow and it's okay to be awkward. And try something new as far as connection and intimacy tools go and bring a lot of intimacy rituals, which are not sexual, like you can read to each other. You can have an erotic novel and read to each other, or you can take a shower together, or you can cook together, or you can cook together naked, like start being playful. 

And those little things, they add up and they build beautiful legacy for you, for your relationship. And if you have children, what children need, they need mom and dad to be in love with each other. That's what they need. And when they have those kind of role models, imagine what kind of relationships they will go into.

That's gonna be their benchmark, right? Yeah. Isn't that wonderful? So you building this legacy not just for yourself, for your relationship, for your bliss, you are showing it for your children. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Such great advice, Olga. Thank you so much. For listeners interested in understanding more about love, relationship connection, tantra, what are some online resources or books you'd recommend they start with?

Olga Kaplan: Good question. There is a great book, the Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margot Anan. I would say there is a good book. Get In the Love You Want. And also they have a workshop. Get in the Love you want. Start taking any steps and maybe not just books.

I would say find a relationship workshop. You can take it online or you can take it in person and start there. And another thing, when you are with, uh, a community of people, you will see that your problems are not unique. So when you see that everybody else is going through something similar, it just takes the pressure off because you think, oh my God, everything is a failure and this is so bad, and oh, okay.

So it's not that bad anymore. So yeah, anything, take any step or hire a relationship coach who can take first steps with you and then you will have a beautiful trajectory to go further. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Wonderful Olga. Where can people learn more what you are up to be it social media or websites? We can link these all in the show notes.
Olga Kaplan: Beautiful. You can follow me on Instagram @olgakaplancoaching. The same on Facebook. And if you have any questions, Or anything, reach out DM me and I will be happy to support you and I would love to see you passionate and in love and very happy about your relationship. 

Claudia von Boeselager: Excellent Olga thank you so much for coming on today.
It's been such a pleasure for such a fundamental part of being human. So thank you for sharing your wisdom with us today. 

Olga Kaplan: My pleasure and thank you so much for having me and we'll meet again and lots. 

Claudia von Boeselager: We'll do around two. Thank you so much Olga. 

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